Issue 7 Contents


The Lewinsky Lists

Top 11 Gifts to Monica Lewinsky

February 9, 1998

11) An answering machine.
10) Presidential 'Ceiling Wax.'
9) Iraq.
8) Free 'Ride' on Air Force One.
7) A bouquet from STD florists.
6) Lifetime pass to the 'Bent Monument.'
5) A box of tissues.
4) Offer to pet 'Buddy.'
3) His Presidency.
2) 'The Secret Service.'
1) Billatio!"

Top 14 values inoculcated by Monica Lewinsky's mother
February 11, 1998

14) When giving the Commander-in-Chief a hummer, a lady keeps her legs crossed.
13) Bow to the greater power.
12) The bigger they are...the less room under the desk.
11) The quality of Perjury is not strained.
10) Good girls don't...testify.
9) In front of every great man there's a great woman.
8) No one likes a "tattle-tail."
7) Wash your hands before every meal and brush after blowing the chief executive.
6) Charity begins in the White House.
5) Do others as you would have them do you.
4) Swallow.
3) Interns should be obscene and not heard.
2) Give a man a blow job and you relieve him for a day, teach him how to masturbate...
1) You are what you eat!

Top 12 New Career Options for Monica Lewinsky
March 17, 1998

11) Head Nurse
10) Quality Control Inspector for Oscar Meyer
9) Boogie Nights II Casting Director
8) White House Tour Guide
8) 'Got Milk' Model
7) Sexual Advisor to Hillary Clinton
6) FBI informant: Mistress Protection Program
5) Melrose Place Castmember
4) Republican Party Mascot
3) Sword-Swallower
2) Spokeswoman for Listerine
1) Deposit Receptacle for Sperm Bank

Top 11 Stains/Marks on Monica's Dress
August 3, 1998

11) Knife Mark in Back: Courtesy of Linda Tripp
10) Grease from the door hitting her on the way out
9) Buddy Slobber
8) Shoeprints from Hillary kicking her ass out
7) Ken Starr's grubby fingerprints
6) Rug Burn Wear & Tear
5) Paparazzi Piss
4) Her mother's Embarrassment
3) Daddy's Shame
2) Desanitizer: Gift from Betty Currie
1) Hot Man Chowder

Top 11 Leading Questions for Monica
August 5, 1998

11) Do you keep femine articles in the president's desk?
10) Is is bigger then a baby's arm?
9) Do you hang up when Hillary answers?
8) Why didn't you swallow?
7) How good does Bill look in a dress?
6) Is Linda Tripp that ugly in person?
5) Did you inspire Paula to get that nose job?
4) Have you received treatment for knee injuries?
3) Why don't you wash your clothes?
2) Are you free tonight?
1) When did you stop f*cking the President?