Issue 4 Contents


Mr. Counts Reports Directly From The Olympics

BANG! Begin reading the following passage aloud.

If you were Michael Johnson, you could have reacted to this command in 0.1 seconds. If you were Michael Johnson, you could have made up the stagger on silver medalist Frankie Fredricks by the time you finish this sentence. If you were Michael Johnson, 85,000 screaming fans would be on their feet cheering for you, and maybe beyond their suffocating screams, you could here the dull thud of 2 billion jaws dropping simultaneously. If you were Michael Johnson, you'd be an eighth of a mile from where you are now.

Top 10 differences if the Olympics were held in Hell:

10) Carl Lewis given opportunity to earn record tenth gold javelin catching
9) Bella Kiroli runs marathon in leotard with two broken ankles.
8) Jackie Joyner Kersee banned from competition for being too damned inspirational.
7) John Tesh hosts all olympic coverage, not just gymnastics.
6) American spectators forced to watch baseball amid hordes of stupid but opinionated international fans.
5) Not as hot as Atlanta.
4) Even more diving coverage.
3) Synchronized fat guys.
2) Scalpers only ask twice face value.
1) Giant Flying Gargoyles 119, Dream Team 120.

I Told You...

As my dad used to say, "if there's dog shit on the carpet, maybe it ain't the neighbor's dog." Actually, my dad would never say anything like that, but it's just the kind of pithy aphorism with which to begin an "I told you so" piece on the bombing of Centenial Olympic Park.

Raise your hand if you thought that the bombing was the work of radical foreign interest seeking to disrupt America's moment on the world stage? Raise your other hand if you thought that our security was so good that the unattended bag would actually be spotted by a vigilant citizen and dutifully reported to a nearby security professional. Raise your left foot if you think the quick thinking security professional would act decisively and immediately attempt to clear the entire park during a concert. Finally, raise your right foot if you think that the late night party crowd would respond to the command a of this lone security guard and disperse. Did you fall on your ass with your limbs in the air? Then you look as stupid as you are.