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Beauty Update

From the Author -

Beauty Update is back!!! Popular demand and breaking news (but mostly Barb's nagging) have inspired Issue 2. And there's so much to tell!! We're happy to announce an expanded readership.


A fully stocked makeup department is just feet from where I now sit - in the new Solomon Pond Mall! Carla and Alex and I ushered in the Lancome counter in grand style, and we are stunning, if I do say so myself. Our purchases were sizeable, and Lancome wisely understood and gave us a loaf of bread and a chocolate lipstick to live on while we're paying off our charges.


Given the proximity of the new offerings, I felt it necessary to share with my loyal readership some key tips and techniques to use in Beauty Counter Self Defense.

Bear in mind 3 important facts: 1. The makeup industry spends millions in luring you and captivating you. 2. The counter rep is on commission. 3. So as not to offend either party mentioned in points 1 & 2, and to protect whatever disposable income we have, there is no such thing as lying while standing at a cosmetics counter. Complete truth and harsh lighting are not welcome in The Cosmetics Zone. If this was not true, then why would God have made Cosmetics counters??????? Does anyone believe I was born with purple on my eyelids???? See what I mean?

Following are lines and situations you should memorize and never forget. Practice these lines with your friends - make them your own. Each response is rated by Defense level, Risk factors, and savings potential, assuming proper use. As with junk bonds, higher risk responses have the greatest savings potential. This is practically science. (To assist you in mastering these techniques, they are also available on videotape. Please call 1-800-INSECURE for information on our on-site training programs.)

The Scene: The Orca Cosmetics Counter

(names have been changed to protect the innocent)
Situation: Solution: Defense Level: Risk: Savings Potential:
You want everything, and your credit card is paid off and properly prepared (1 minute on low in a microwave). None needed. You go girl. None Highest in Cosmetics History NONE POSSIBLE. Can cost in the neighborhood of $160+
You just want some new eyeshadow (or other single item) but are receiving a full consultation. Orca Rep: (squinting at your face and in a sorrowful tone) "Do you use a _______???" (toner, eyemakeup remover, eyeshadow base, whatever). "No. Should I?" - a guaranteed sale. You just bit, baby. You're roadkill on the cosmetics highway. There's no way home. This is the typical response - one you might have used about an hour before you wandered away from the counter, bleary and shell-shocked wondering how you spent all that money when you really wanted was the shoe department. None Medium-High $0
Same As Above Response B.
"No. Does Orca make one?" - A sure sign of naivete, but you might be able to stall. Your next words and facial expressions are critical. Appear as though you never knew such a product existed. Orca Rep will be alarmed and will not consider you worthy of the purchase, and will back off the hard sell until she assesses you further. Continue acting pathetically uninformed to save even more money.
Low Low/Medium $5-25
Same As Above Response C.
"Yes. I use Orca's. You mean it isn't working?" This is an excellent response, but it cannot be used more than 3 times in a single consultation. If you actually own ANY of Orca's products, you can use it one additional time for any currently or previously owned Orca product. For example, if you bought a mascara in 1985, and someone gave you a sample in 1992, you can use this line for the standard 3 times plus 2 more times = 5 times.
High High WARNING - You must be prepared to use this high-risk response, especially if you've never used Orca's products. You could be ambushed with the "You need to use the next higher/lower strength" or "Are you using the special detoxifier under/over it?" The answer is, of course: "Oh, I was using it over/under it. No wonder. I'll change that tonight". Can you can see how expensive this response can become if you are not prepared properly? $25-160+

I hope this self defense lesson helps you. As always, I am available for private consultation at any time with any of my dear readers.

Beauty Update is published occasionally and clandestinely by Ginny Ruhe, who has her tongue so firmly planted in her cheek that she's developing a speech impediment.