Dear Rev. Gills,
It's back to school time and that's always a bit frightening for
me. I feel very self-conscious and afraid of what others might think
of me. My parents tell to just relax and be myself. I try but it just
doesn't seem to work. What do you think?
Scared in Scituate
You know Scared I used to be just like you.
Just kidding, I was
never anything like you, but I think I can help you anyway. I can tell
that the other kids in the hall must seem like a gauntlet of ignorant
peasants waiting to stone you to death if you should develop a zit.
The thing you must learn to remember is that each and every one of
those peasants feels exactly like you. The reason that you run into
trouble when you endeavor to "be yourself" is that you're a dorky
teenager who really doesn't have a self yet. But, if you follow my
advice, your sense of self can be inflated beyond your wildest dreams.
However, you must first endure the Reverend's dreaded high-school
trial by fire.
The first thing you want to do is get a hold of at least an
ounce of reefer. Get up a little early and get over to the school. If
you really want to do this right, bring along a thermos full of black
coffee. Smoke all the weed and wash it down with the coffee. For this
whole thing to work right you must smoke the ENTIRE BAG before home
room. This way,
when you walk into the building, you'll feel exactly the way you did
before, only exponentially more so. GUT IT OUT. you'll be surprised
how silly the student body looks after a while.
If you make it through this little trial you will find within
yourself a well of confidence that would shame James Dean. But if you
wuss out and wind up sniveling and sobbing in the vice-principal's
office, don't be a rat. You will live the rest of your life under one
of the world's most potent curses if you so much as mention my name.
Smoke up
Rev. Gills
Dear Rev. Gills,
I need your help. I'm a young man and what I'd really like in my
life is a secure, loving , relationship. But it seems that every woman
I am attracted to is not only taken but taken by someone whoo treats
them like dirt. Recently, I've had a few dating relationships, but it
seems that every time I begin to feel very warm and devoted to a
woman, she leaves me for an abusive jerk with lots of tatoos. What's
happening? Is God punishing me? Help!
Suffering in San Diego
You do need my help Suffering, and an adult
dose of it. What you
really need to do is go out and get a copy of my best-selling
self-help book, "Being a Total Dick: God's Plan for Abundant Life". It
sounds like alot of guys in your neighborhood have already read it so
you should be able to borrow a copy if you're short on cash. Just ask
the guy who's got your last sweetheart doing his laundry.
It sounds like you spend an awful time trying to be a good,
moral, "stand-up guy" type. Knock it off. This kind of behavior is a
one way ticket to hormonal hell. It also sounds like you might spend
too much time chasing the the
poitically-correct-fitness-Barbie-replica type. I advise you to stear
clear of these women. Although, in general, they are as easily
enslaved as the average woman, you can hardly ever get them to shave
their legs and dress like a slut.
Any way if you find yourself having a hard time following the
easy method laid out in my book, you may have to develop an
addiction. Alcoholism or narcotic addiction will make you instant
date-bait. You should at least chain-smoke. And while you're at it,
get some tattoos.
Confidential to Bereaved in Brentwood:
Don't let it bring you down,
Read the Book,
Rev. Gills
Listen, don't you think its time you stopped beating yourself up
and got on with your life. A man like you should never let one mistake
get in the way of his spiritual progress. OK, so technically you made
two mistakes, but you get the picture: just get over it. If some of
your friends are so judgemental that they can't seem to forgive you,
just find some new friends. You can do this by spreading some of your
money around before your ungrateful in-laws get a hold of it.
Rev. Gills