<%@LANGUAGE="JAVASCRIPT" CODEPAGE="65001"%> Whatever Magazine

Issue 10 Contents

Providence Payback:

 

Construction Blows, Lets Take Photos

So I guess these days I¹d have to claim that I¹m glad to still be working in the high tech biz, but no matter how many of my cubicle brothren get laid off the commute still sucks. RI Gov. Link Almond has decided to go forward with some huge construction projects that will keep my current commute under siege until 2007 at the least. Thanks big guy.

Since there is nothing to do but accept your fate I¹m doing my best not to kill anybody on my way to and from my cube. Its getting harder and harder with all the cell phone related accidents not to end up smashing somebody because we¹re all driving too close and too fast, but her in New England we like to commute like geese- all close and tucked together in flocks. I mean doesn¹t the driving test say that you should be one car length back for each 10 miles per hour? That would mean that at 65 miles there should be 6.5 car lengths between me and the people in front and behind me.

Like a month ago I tried to just stay in the middle lane, no weaving, no fast lane travel at all. I left early and figured it might add 15 minutes. It added 34. So much for that.

Loyal readers know that I¹ve glued fast food toys all over my dashboard. The figures are still a source of amusement. I get new ones in Happy Meals and rip old ones off and throw them out the window. I have a thing about 18 wheelers and they take the brunt of my flying friends. For some reason seeing three gas tankers merge onto Route 195 makes me want to go crazy. Either they can¹t keep up, and people have to go around them, or they are barreling down on some poor shit and he¹s not bright enough to get moving or out of the way. Don¹t get me wrong. The trucker is an American icon.

Many of them have given me rides and I¹ve spent a few nights riding in the cab keeping some guy awake and making friends. God bless you people, but as far as I am concerned during rush hour you need to get the fuck off the road. With out you for a few hours I¹d spend much less time commuting. I¹m convinced this is fact.

I did live in France for a year and drove a truck around Paris delivering clothes to shops. I can sympathise with the trucking man- people treat them like shit on the road. Admit it- you¹ve had to pull some shit to deal with an 18 wheeler? In France 18 wheelers stay in the slow lane, and they can¹t be on the highway during rush hour, or weekends, or holidays, or something like that. Sorry but it seemed to fucking work. I never saw 10 people cut a French trucker off and give him the finger for not being able to keep up in low gear. I see it on 95/195 daily. Part of it is the fact that French cars suck and facing down a truck in some tiny Citron is gonna get you killed, but really it¹s the same with our cars- if you fuck with a truck you loose.

Yesterday on my way home some guy tried to like move out of the way of an ambulance, but didn¹t realize that the breakdown lane wasn¹t as wide as his car. He sideswiped the concrete barricade, smashed the shit out of his whole side, bounced up from impact and almost went over the wall, then came to a crashing stop in the passing lane. I was behind him. I was maybe a car length back trying to get into the middle lane to get out of the ambulances way. The ambulance had merged into heavy traffic and had gotten behind us. I don¹t know how I didn¹t end up hitting him. I think there were about 8 accidents yesterday on 95 South,between Pawtucket bridge construction and the 195 exit. Shit like that is really starting to bother me- it seems to be getting worse. One day I sat in my car at a dead stop for at least a half an hour while they took four or five cars off the road. That¹s the photo where people are standing around and looking forward for what¹s up. Where I was we could see down hill to where it was. I never hear on the radio traffic reports if anybody died- those guys can barely give a decent report, let alone follow up.

Of course the burning van was a classic morning. All of a sudden there is a mini van in the breakdown lane that has flames shooting out of it from all sides. I don¹t know how the hell that happens, it wasn¹t an accident, just a burning van. The people who were in it were sitting in the woods 20 yards away watching their transportation burn. I rode up next to it to take the picture- not too bright, but what the hell.

I can¹t tell you what the solution is. It seems obvious that the single car commuter is wasting resources and getting fucked at the same time. Driving has become like a very real Playstation game- you do your best not to die and winning the race means you can upgrade your car. After you¹re done playing your hands hurt and your adrenaline is pumping. Playing for too long can cause damage. I just have to keep trying to remember that its not a game and that I might really die.

I want one of them electric cars. With a mounted gun, or a defense shield. Forget about putting GPS and video screens into cars, try making something that won¹t crumble to a ball with every impact over 40 miles an hour. Make something that has a shield, or make everybody drive electric bumper cars at 30 miles an hour. If RI is going to spend so much money and time on the highway system, why can¹t we force them to build something that will really be better- like a decent transit system to all the jobs in Mass and Conn? Cheap shot- sorry.

O.k. so I could move, but come on we all know that the average worker has like a five year shelf life at any given company, do I really want to move every five years. I have an idea- how about the whole working from home thing? Would it really be so bad? If we all realized that instead of spending all the money on making the highway better we just need to make the super highway better. Then we could all slack off at home playing solitare instead of just while the boss is at lunch.