Issue 8 Contents

Dear Rev. Gills,
I'm just writing to see if their are any tips you can give me any tips on how yo prepare for the Y2K computer crisis. I've been careful to stock up on all the basic foodstuffs and bought a generator for my house. I have access to plenty of fresh water. Is there anything else you can think of?
Preparing in Pawtucket

Well Preparing, this may come as a shock to you but this ain't exactly the first letter I've received regarding Y2K. It seems that there are a lot of folks out there like you who are trying to prepare by hording every little creature comfort they can think of so that they won't be inconvenienced while Western civilization crumbles before their eyes. This strategy is absolute madness. Having the neighborhood's snazziest supply of necessities won't help you survive. In fact, it will drasically sorten your life expectancy.

Remember, while your making sure you can still make a decent jello mold when all hell is breaking loose, there is someone like me in your neighborhood who has spent the last few years stockpiling an arsenal that would shame a third world dictator. You may have a basement that looks like a Super Stop & Shop but unless you have an adequate supply of weapons your pantry will quickly become the property of a friendly-neighborhood warlord like myself. What you really need to do is reassess your priorities.

Start with weapons. Don't be an idiot and go out and buy yourself a shotgun and a half dozen shells. That will be about as effective as a squirt gun when guerrilla warfare breaks out in the burbs. Lay your hands on as many fully-automatic assault rifles as you can. Don't pinch pennies when shopping for ammo. You don't want to wind up taking a bullet to the head because you didn't want to shell out for armor piercing bullets. Start collecting these now as they will be at a premium as the new year approaches.

You've probably got a sizable supply of laundry detergent. Don't waste it on your clothes. Get as much gasoline as you can and mix it with Tide and you'll probably have the nicest supply of napalm on the block. You should be able to pick up a napalm torch for short money. If you have trouble finding one, just ask a high-school student.

The next thing you'll need is speed and plenty of it and I'm not talking about diet pills here. Stockpile massive amounts of black beauties and crystal methedrine. All the guns in the world aren't gonna do you any good if you fall asleep. Don't make plans to buddy-up with a friend and take turns on watch duty. When the millenium bug hits, the word "friend" will lose what little meaning it still has. You should definately plan to stay awake for the first week of Armageddon. Speed will also keep you sharp. Start binging on it a couple of days after Christmas and you will greet the new millenium as a heavily-armed, amphetimine-crazed killing machine.

Defoliate the neighborhood with your napalm Zippo and kill everybody whose loyalty is in doubt. I don't know about the folks on your block but my neighbors are toast. You see Preparing, my method makes a lot more sense than cluttering up your basement with Stove-Top Stuffing. I've spent no time concentrating on foodstuffs and "necessities". I've got a whole neighborhood full of chumps hording provisions for me.

Regards, Gills