Issue 5 Contents


Boss Sucks

My job sucked because my boss sucked. A couple of others in the office sucked too, because they thought they could be my boss. We'll start with them because their suck stories illustrate aspects of the Boss's overall suckiness.

In the beginning things sounded good. Raises and stock options were promised on several occasions. Share quantities were revealed. Then reality broke in.

Aside from various lost files for which the Sales Dick felt I should be responsible and the various inanities I was forced to endure, he earned my everlasting enmity by stealing credit for work he blew off. The scenario went some thing like this: cust omer calls to make large purchase and leaves several voicemails for Sales Dick to return. The calls are not returned. Finally, the customer was forced to cajole me for the information. At this moment I put the call on hold and informed the Boss of the situation and requested he take the call. Give him the information and make the sale, I was told. I gave the customer the information, acted overly accommodating and rang off.

As I eventually realized I would every day, I answered the office phone anticipating another idiot on the other end with a ridiculous problem. A woman asked for me and when I acknowledged she was speaking to the correct person, I heard, "Please hold fo r Mr. M-something-italian." Some idiot who can't open his package, I figured. Instead it was the Customer, calling with a contract to spend a couple of thousand every month.

I filled out all the paper work, faxed it to the customer, and received order confirmation. My name was all over everything and I'd made several extra copies. When Sales Dick got wind of it, he accused me of stealing food out of his kid's mouth.

Well the girl got screwed. Sales Dick started taking credit, making stupid associations with the customer's name in a feeble attempt to validate contact. Basically, he hadn't made any sales and needed any one he could steal.

The next day Sales Dick hand I had an altercation about something stupid. He actually pulled me out in the hall and said, "You're going to have much bigger problems around here if you can't change your behavior." I gave him the hairy eyeball. Incredulou s. A threat?

Later, Boss wants to talk about it. Keep me happy. I assume this is logical as I'm doing all the work there. Also because he says I'll be running the company soon so he can play golf. He gives me a box of pens and tells me he knows I made the big sale but we've got to make Sales Dick happy on this one. I tell him I understand as long as he does. I figure I'll let it go and show them what a big person I can be.

Putz that I am, I kept working. I should have known the cheezer Boss was a lying fuck. He and Sales Dick probably laughed about my situation. In the end, Sales Dick would leave his resignation under the Boss' door over a long weekend and go straight to the competition.

Just a few weeks before Sales Dick's unannounced but welcome departure, my salary review was due. Boss tried to avoid it, and I let him delay it two weeks so he could give me a "much larger" raise when his loan or whatever was coming through.

When the Boss informed me he'd be relying on me heavily in the wake of the departure of our sales force, I pushed for my review. I was ignored and then finally taken into the Boss' office. My raise amounted to $16/month. Boss Dick actually said, "I though you'd be happier." I spent some energy explaining that this wasn't going to improve my life and prompting him to declare that I indeed deserved more. He complied, said he knew I deserved and would give me more just as soon as the company's financ ial situation solidified.

During this time we lost another employee. Basically, he was forced to quit because the boss was moving him onto a pay cycle that hinged on incoming sales. There were no incoming sales and consequently no work for him. No steady paycheck.

Guess who was picked to pick up the slack? When I protested I was accused of lying about the pay cut I'd suffered to come work for these hooligans. This accusation came from the Finance Dick, who I've neglected to mention because he's so unmentionabl e. Very pissed, I was able to obtain additional pay for the slack left in the wake of that particular tsunami.

The office climate was not good and it worsened when I learned a raise four times the size of mine was given to one of the slackers still left in the office. Someone else made a stink for me and it was resolved without my input that this gentleman and I would receive raises on the first of December.

Tired of all the lies and weary of sitting in the same room with the scum I was ashamed to call my boss, I sent him emails requesting an explanation about the discrepancy in raises. He danced around it, but did write, "You and ...will get you DUE rais es December 1st." When I followed up by pointing out his lies and asking for specifics, I received no reply.

Fed up with the shit, I decided to take some of my sick and vacation time. When I made the request, I was told I didn't have any left. Calmly and professionally, despite my obvious hatred, I itemized my accrued time. The Boss admitted that Finance D ick had never tracked my time off so they would give it to me. So incredibly self-absorbed, he tried to make it sound like he was doing me a favor.

During my vacation I learned my paycheck had bounced. Finance Dick acted like I must have done something wrong. He made good on the check, but it was an obvious foreshadowing of things to come. Also during my vacation the Boss began offering my job to other employees. What the hell kind of position is that to put someone in?

Fortunately, I had another job in the works and soon I was able to tender my resignation. I wanted to be careful though, and be sure I had received all the pay due to me. I knew I wasn't ever getting those stock options and I was informed none of th e "December raises" were going through. Ahhh, righhhttt.

On my last day I left with one check. A week later, I picked up the last. The first one bounced on December 23rd. The next a week later. Neither Boss nor Finance Dick would make good on it. I even called Boss Dick's wife and told her about it. Merry Christmas. I should have also told her about how her husband used to ask if he could fuck my friends. He'd buy them dinner at the Capital Grill. (Did I mention his waist size is 40 30?)

I never spoke to the Big Boss about it after the 23rd. The Finance Dick wanted me to redeposit the check and said my refusal was the problem. Deposit two checks that have already bee returned twice. Into an account the bank consistently reports has no money? Yeah right. Anyway, I had to get the Bank Fraud Unit involved. I had to send a certified letter promising arrest for noncompliance. I finally got a certified check a month later after, obviously, a great deal of hassle.

Sucky bosses, or what?