Issue 5 Contents



Howdy soul seekers! Yeah I know, I haven't posted anything new in a while. But look, just because I'm perfect doesn't mean my life doesn't become a complete hassle sometimes. And do I have some all-seeing, infallible, being who I can e-mail for answers to any conceivable question the tortured human psyche can concoct? Hell no. You people just don't seem to understand how lucky you are. Well lets just see what's been in my e-mail bag lately…


Dear Rev. Gills,

I've recently accepted my boyfriend's marriage proposal. He's a wonderful man and I love him dearly but one thing concerns me. I'm afraid that he will be unfaithful to me. How can I tell if my husband-to-be will be a cheater?

Jealous in Jamestown


Well Jealous, I have a foolproof method of finding out whether or not your future spouse will stray from the bond of fidelity. Look at him when he's naked. Does he have a dick? If he does you can be damned sure that at some point Mr. Happy is gonna fin d a little extra-curricular activity for himself. I'm not gonna sugar-coat this for you. All men cheat. If you want fidelity, join a lesbian cult.

But before you go spending the rest of your life sobbing your eyes out every time your man gets himself a new squeeze, think. You say you want your husband to be faithful, and I assume this also means that you intend to save all your lovin' for him. Th erefore you envision a future in which neither of you ever gets to do the nasty with anybody else. You seem to think that this would be a good thing. Hello?

What you need to do is go to the supermarket. Look at the high-school kid stocking cans of green beans. Nice buns hugh? You want some of that? Sure you do. So don't be so thin skinned about what hubby's up to when he's "out with the guys". So what if i t takes him two hours to drive the babysitter home. Just pig down a box of Oreos and think about the guy who's coming to fix the washer on Tuesday. I think your gonna love married life.


Have good sex,

Rev. Gills


Dear Rev. Gills,

I have a problem that is tearing my marriage apart. My husband smokes three packs of cigarettes a day. I have tried everything to cure him of this most disgusting and sinful habit, but he still refuses to even cut down. I beg and plead but it's no use. Please help cause I'm…

Smoked out in Saugus


Ok Smoked, let me start out by saying that you sound like a real pain-in-the-ass so you should be thankful that you even have a husband. Begging and pleading? Sounds more like bitching and moaning to me. Smoking is a sin? What friggin' Bible did that c ome out of? Get off the nag because it sounds to me like your more hazardous to this guy's health than tar and nicotine ever will be.

And that's what it's all about right? His health is all you really care about right? Your certainly not caught up in any kind of self-righteous trip which moves you to make this man's every waking minute a living hell. Nooooo…What if he did quit smokin g? How long would it take you to pick out some other little idiosyncrasy of his and beat him over the head with it all day? Probably about three minutes.

For your own sake you should stop trying to rid this man of his bad habits. Remember, his worst habit is coming home to you every day. If he ever develops any real drive toward self-improvement, the first thing he's gonna do is call a divorce lawyer. I t sounds to me like smoking is his way of dealing with being married to a goddamn battleaxe. It not only shortens the number of years he'll have to spend listening to you whine, but it also insures that at least one morning in your life you'll have to wak e up next to a corpse. You deserve it.

Let me close by saying that if Jesus were alive today he'd have a steaming but in his mouth and another behind his ear for good measure.

Leave him alone

Rev. Gills