Issue 9 Contents


Politically Incorrect Auditions, Emerald Square Mall, 11.13.99

Politically Incorrect recently auditioned average citizens for an opportunity to become a panalist on a show to air in early December. We decided to check it's the skinny.

Mike made us leave the house at 5:30 to insure we would be among the first 50. When it actually came time to line-up, I was assigned #3. So, as you can see, worrying about the line-up wasn't the best way to spend our pre-audition energies. They said we would be taken in to audition in random groups of 5. One person would be picked from each group for a semi-final round with Bill Maher in the afternoon. They wouldn't pick the actual winner that afternoon because they wanted to reserve several so they could taylor the winner to the topic & other panelists that night he/she would appear.

They asked us to fill out an easy form, name age, have you ever been paid as actor/comedian, what's your most politically incorrect view.

I assessed the competition and thought that one preppy boy reading nine stories by jdsalinger was the strongest threat. I wasn't worried about the guy reading Hunter S. Thompson's Songs of the Doomed or the guy in the black trenchcoat who's big hope in life was to hit it "big" with his marilyn manson rip-off band. "I've been in the studio all night," he says, and I'm wondering just when in his life he'll realize he's exhausted that particular phrase. We were similarly unimpressed by the guy who spent the entire morning on the phone. He acted oh-so-important, but I know he was probably doing little more than explaining the garage door opener or some such nonsense to his must-be-a-mutant-wife.

I made sure to get selected in a seperate group from Mike, so we wouldn't compete against eachother in the first round. Preppy boy and three other males were in my group. We were told we would be evaluated on how we present and defend our most politically incorrect view and our participation in the discussion of our competitor's topics. We were told not to make jokes or look at our evaluator. I thought I comported myself quite well, especially considering one of the guys in my group was kind enough to suggest Women should be subservient to men -- a real no brainer of a topic. His lip was quivering when I finished with him. Another kid was uptight because his smart public school friends didn't get into all the schools his smart private school friends did. Rather a waste of time that was. My topic was Legalize all victim-less crimes -- Drugs, prostitution, organ sales, suicide. Everybody jumped on the drug thing rather than address any of the other issues. There was a lot of freaking out about 12 year-olds getting heroin. I said I didn't care if twelve year-olds got heroin and there are ways to avoid that. Finally, they all shut up when I said crime would be reduced by virtue of the fact 900,000 dealers would no longer be arrested. The boobs let themselves be intimidated by the numbers. Preppy boy said he was upset that there was no "middle ground" in politics, no party flexibility, and those whose views change are accused of waffling on the issues. There wasn't much controversy in that, so it ended on a lame note. I walked out thinking I had it locked up. I've been terrible in auditions and known it, so I think I can be somewhat objective.

Evaluator said the whole group was so great she wanted all of us. She said she had some leeway, so she was going to choose two. "No way it's not me," I think. Couldn't have been more wrong! She chose quivering lip and some kid I didn't even notice he left so little an impression on me. Then the Producer said to me, "By the way, you were wrong about the 12 year-olds." That's right, I got singled out as the person with whom she wanted to debate and inform was ignorant. Contrary to the purpose of the show/audition, don't you think? I had no other option than to reply, "Way to get in the last word," and strolled back to the audition holding area, just outside Sears.

When Mike walked out of his audition the 7 people in his group all agreed he was the best -- he went in with Tax the Churches -- they were all wrong. The girl who said, "People who commit hate crimes should be castrated" was chosen. We left with our frisbees and cheesy "I auditioned for PI" pins. Since, we decided we should have gone as actors hellbent on shocking the masses instead of vain losers who think they're smart and therefore should be on TV. Incidently, there was one guy who had been driving audition to audition until he got picked. He learned what they were looking for, and gave it to them -- got picked on his third audition.

Footnote from Counts:

My Politically Incorrect View:

Dave: Resolved: Lame, putatively humorous shows incubated on forgiving, second-tier basic cable, so-called "networks" like Comedy Central should be euthanized, along with their over-reaching hosts, before reaching the real networks, even at the expense of more post-Nightline infomercials for the Fat-Burner 2000.