The Lemonheads

Uh, I don't know how to say this, I know people think these letters aren't true, but I went to this show and got some great loving from two chicks who were only after my film.

I guess there's this major Evan contingent whose been listening ever since 8th grade or something, and they're just hot for the big dumb ex-junkie, now confessed pot head. I was only trying to do my job when these two girls took flagrant abuse of my person in hopes of COPIES of the pictures I was going to take.

These two beauties, 'Mary' and 'Emily' I'll call them, saw me taking pictures of Imperial Teen and grabbed me when I was done.

"Are you going to take pictures of the Lemonheads?" the bigger one said.

"Uh, yeah, I run a zine- I'll put a review of this show up on the web sometime soon," I replied.

"Oh my God. Can you send us copies of pictures of Evan Dando? We love him and we drove all the way from Connecticut to come here and see him again, we've been to New York, and we're going to Boston too. I'm Emily, she's Mary."

"I'm Mike. Here's a flyer for my web site. I'm gonna go get a drink before I have to go back up there. You can e-mail me or write to the address on there. If you can get on the web you can just download the photos."

"Cool. Listen we'll buy you a drink, why don't you hang out with us until the Lemonheads come out?" she asked.

Since I was alone and since 'free drinks' is my favorite phrase, I agreed. Emily sent Mary for the drinks. She was obviously in charge, Mary went away while we watched their space up front.

Emily wasn't any kind of supermodel, but she wasnÕt no dog either. She was wearing tight jeans and a white T-shirt like most of the other chicks, and she had what looked like a pretty good set of knockers. I lit her a butt and we watched Imperial Teen.

In between songs she asked me if I was on tour with Evan or just there for the night. She also wanted to know if I would shoot a roll of film for her- she'd buy it or 'something' she said.

"Oh I can't do that, I've only got one roll of film. Besides the record company made me sign a contract when I came in, I'd get screwed if I did something like that," I said.

"You sure would," she replied.

Thankfully Mary came back with drinks for all of us. Instead of the beer I'd asked for she had three Jack-and-gingers for us. I took mine and was happy Imperial Teen was playing so I could face them and they wouldn't notice the mondo bulge I'd developed.

When Imperial Teen was done I gulped down the rest of my drink and went under the barricade to wait for Evan. I only had one roll of film and it was already in the camera, so there wasn't much I could do to impress the girls. They were a few feet back watching me for the whole time it took for the Lemonheads to show.

Finally the lights went out and I crouched down to take the much anticipated photos. I don't know what the first three songs were, and I ran out of film but pretended to click away for the benefit of the psycho Dando chicks who were waiting for me. Mission accomplished I went back to where they were waiting.

Both girls were pretty drunk by then. They were singing along with Evan and had this stupid grin plastered all over their faces. They looked like zombies from planet teen sex. When they saw me they started dancing around me and Emily gave me a beer.

I watched a song or two with them- stuff like "Nocturnal," and "The Outdoor Type." Mary stepped in front of me and began rubbing against my crotch. I'll admit I was gonna let her go for my love sausage, but then I felt Emily unzipping my camera bag and I got pissed.

"What the fuck!" I yelled at her.

"We've got to have some pictures!" she wined. She looked pretty drunk, and I didn't really give a shit about her, so I just walked away without saying anyting. I may be shoddy with my morals, but some shit is too low for even me.

I watched the rest of the show from the back, where most of the boyfriends were hanging out. Thankfully none of them went for my crotch and I was able to just hang out in peace.