Advice
Dear Rev. Gills,
I have a problem with a co-worker. I suspect he is an
unbeliever as he is constantly intimidating and insulting
me. He puts me down, blames his mistakes on me, and
takes credit for my work. Please help me gain the
strength to turn the other cheek.
--Wavering in Westerly
Well, Wavering,
It sounds like you've run out of other cheeks to turn.
Look, I get these kind of letters all the time and they
always have some reference to the old "turn the other
cheek" thing. Jesus said it; it must be true. Right?
But hey, wasn't it the same Jesus who overturned the tables and flogged the money-changers to a bloody pulp? Be real. When someone stepped on Jesus' toes he threw furniture around and kicked ass. It's time for you to heed the example of our Lord and Sa
vior and go ape-shit!
I'm not talking about some pansy-ass ritual of "clearing the air" or "defining your boundaries." "I'm talking about cold brutal violence with absolutely no guilt or restrait. Awaken your Inner-O.J.!
As for the "turn the other cheek" thing, if you think about it, you can see that Jesus was right on the money. You've been this guy's dormat for so long, he's not gonna know what hit him when you go into work tomorrow and rip him a new colon. He'll be a goat to the slaughter; but show no mercy! Remember, YOU ARE the second coming. Think about all the garbage you've taken from him over the years and intone the sacred prayer, "It's Payback Time!"
Now don't go doing this in front of the whole crew at work. First thing tomorrow, pull him aside. Take him to a "safe place," like a stairwell or something. It sounds like you've been a perfect little wuss so far so he'll have absolutely no idea wh
at kind of shit is about to go down.
If he's bigger than you, or has any martial arts training, try starting out with a few head-butts. Not just one, that'll just piss him off to the point where he might start doing some damage of his own. Do not let this happen. Ram your forehead into h
is face repeatedly until he's in a semi-concious state where he can feel pain but can't do a damn thing about it. Then, he's your toy. Make him sorry his parents ever met.
After you've had your way with his flaccid carcass, wash the blood off your hands and go back to your computer terminal. Don't worry about repercussions. I mean really, can you imagine this guy walking into your boss's office and admitting that a wimp
like you pummelled him into submission?
Yours in Christ,
Reverend Gills McStretchy
Dear Reverend McStretchy,
Since Jerry Garcia died, I've been in a quandery. I wonder where his spirit went when it departed his body. If Jesus sits at the right hand of God, is Jerry at his left? Where is Jerry now?
--Ungrateful in Uxbridge
Sorry to disappoint you,
Ungrateful, but Jerry won't be pulling up the mighty Jehovah's left flank anytime soon. He's in the 78th level of Purgatory, damned to spend the next five milennia waiting in line for tickets. And h
e's jonesing like a mutha'.
Sorry Dude,
Reverend Gills
