1999 Top 11 Archive

1998 Top 11 Lists

Satan's Top 11 Last Minute Christmas Errands

December 22, 1999

11) Prepare gift of US Presidency for Mr. Trump
10) Get field report on troop preparations for armageddon
9) Procure prostitute for the loyal Ebenezer; muzzle ghost of christmas past
8) Mock up photo of Frank Gifford in compromising position with Howard Stern
7) Buy favors for 3rd annual JonBenet toga party
6) Kill something good to eat, like Pat Robinson
5) Exert more influence on Heat Miser to prevent white christmas
4) Reward Courtney's hard work with another rich suicidal husband
3) Distribute HIV-infected 'wine' to homophobic churches
2) Locate and impregnate virgin
1) Clean last year's lap dance off Santa costume

Top 11 Reasons to Riot in Seattle

November 30, 1999

11) Curfews are for commies
10) The World Trade Organization refused to serve Frappachinos
9) If it'll help get rid of Frasier...
8) Courtney tore down Kurt's suicide palace
7) Nobody's got the balls to protest in Redmond
6) Great opportunity to see a genuine sub-machine gun in action
5) The number of rape cases always increases when Clinton comes to town
4) They arrested 8 hippies at the Westlake Mall
3) Tear-gas reserves must be eliminated by before January 1
2) Grandma won't have to go to Oregon to get euthanized
1) Rubber bullets quicker and cheaper than sex change operation

Top 11 Last Words Heard on Egypt Air 990's Voice Recorder

November 18, 1999

11) I was over Under and Under was over Done
10) Ah, Captain? The co-pilot just parachuted out the emergency exit
9) Don't lie to me! I saw you with my wife!
8) You call this coffee? You stupid b*tch
7) The passengers? F*ck 'em, they've got seat cushions!
6) Are you sure a 'brake check' is a good idea in this thing?
5) Nono, airplanes really are watertight... look, I'll prove it to you!
4) As soon as I get Windows 2000 installed on the navigation computer, it'll run twice as fast! There, done!
3) We go like John-John
2) No we can't write "llamallamallamallamallama" in jet exhaust
1) I just saw it again! There's a freakin' gremlin on the wing!

Top 11 Reasons The Reform Party is So Attractive

October 26, 1999

11) Who better than a billionaire like Perot or Trump to look after the needs of the working man?
10) An excellent way to vote against Bush without voting for Gore
9) A party of the rich white guys, by the rich white guys and for the rich, white guys
8) Trump's options for playmate, er rather, running mate
7) Pat, Donald and Jesse: The Moe, Larry and Curley of the new Millennium
6) We can round up the criminally insane population of the US in one fell swoop...at the convention
5) Five Words: Hulk Hogan, Secretary of Defense
4) Great AD Campaign, "Wanted: Third Party Candidate for President of the United States, no experience necessary"
3) Gambling, Wrestling; we're one beer short of the Holy Trinity
2) Trump candidacy promises major Whitehouse renovations, casino, multiple Lincoln bedrooms
1) Sure Buchanan drives a Mercedes, but it's not because he doesn't support American auto workers, it's because he really likes Hitler

Top 11 Revelations in the New Reagan Biography "Dutch"

September 29, 1999

11) Alzheimer's kicked-in in the late 1960's
10) Hinckley and Bush families go way back
9) Top secret nuclear launch code sequence: 02-06-11 (his birthday)
8) Ron Reagan, Jr.: straight!
7) Really thought Nancy was his "Mommie"
6) Once kicked C. Everett Koop's ass
5) Thinks Richard Nixon was his barber
4) Had sex with an intern named Steve
3) Former-president was once fire-eating carnie-folk
2) Still mad at Brady for stealing spotlight during assassination attempt
1) He voted for Dukakis

Top 11 Things Quayle Will Do Instead of Run for Prez

September 27, 1999

11) Repeat the 5th grade
10) Continue to "...stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
9) Dump Marilyn for trophy wife
8) Challenge Ronald Reagan to a game of "Concentration"
7) Get rid of that evil "Murphy Brown" once and for all
6) Secure Bob Barker's spot on the Celebrity Golf Tour
5) Spend some quality time with his Speak and Spell
4) Prepare for role as Rupert Everett's "Bond Girl"
3) Study Latin so he can converse with Latin Americans
2) Take GOPstuds.com public
1) Figure out what "jiggy" means

Top 11 Comments Buchanon May as Well Make

September 23, 1999

11) "Stop calling Jesus a Jew!"
10) "Bring back McCarthy!"
9) "Springsteen? What kind of name is that?"
8) "First vee take Iowa, und zen New Hampshire..."
7) "Mossad stole my car keys!...oh, wait a minute they're in my other pocket."
6) "I'd suck Clinton's dick too, if it means we could get rid of Ellen."
5) "The so-called 'Holocaust' is totally unbelievable, I think Steve Speilberg used that time-travelling DeLorean and his movie magic to fabricate the whole thing."
4) "In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey."
3) "Jesse Jackson referred to New York as 'Hymmie-Town?' Why, that stupid darkie."
2) "Cardinal O'Conner calls himself a Christian? Jesus Christ!"
1) "I didn't say Hitler was a good moral example, I said 'Himmler' was."

Top 11 Thoughts While Watching The Emmys

September 13, 1999

11) There a reason there's no interpretive dance in primetime
10) Shh, David, don't tell Jenna, but we'll kick you down an Emmy if you host
9) Watched Branagh's Hamlet yesterday; the 4 hour tragedy was shorter and funnier
8) Not enought Latvians are represented in primetime
7) 8:50: If I were any more bored, I'd be dead
6) Jenna Elfman is funny; when compared to a doorknob
5) 10:05: Here's to wishing the Agassi-Martin match went to a 14th set
4) I wish James Van Der Beek was as cute as everyone says he is
3) Let's watch Helen Hunt beat her meat one more time
2) We liked it better when they only nominated good-looking, thin people
1) Coming Soon: David E. Kelley pre-wrapped cheese snacks!

Top 11 Greatest Moments at the MTV Video Music Awards

September 10, 1999

11) Noticing MTV staffer Ananda didn't change after her daygig as a dominatrix 10) Ricky Martin beats Peristroika for MTV Russia's Viewer's Choice Award
9) Diana Ross testing the buoyancy of the breasts of Lil' Kim
8) The euphoric response to the news Buddy Hackett lives
7) Gavin from Bush brought his Mom, oops, sorry that was Susan Sarandon
6) Puff Daddy eyeing Felicity's muff after Miss Lopez failed to bring home a prize
5) Biggie & Tupak's Mommies: "Guns don't kill people, sons kill people"
4) Paul McCartney, seen casually telling Madonna's breasts, "I'm, ah, single now."
3) Watching three Jewish "I did her like this with a whiffleball bat" Beasties win Best Hip Hop Award and preach against sexual harrassment
2) Operatized Bawitdaba...
1) ....His name is...PAAAAUUUUULLLLLL!

Top 11 Other Videos the FBI "Forgot"

September 7, 1999

11) Drudge, Starr & Newt visit a bathhouse 10) Hitler and Marilyn Monroe enjoy the beach
9) George Bush and Manuel Noriega play "Scarface"
8) The Green River Killer's Blair Witch spoof at Star Lake
7) Eric Rudolph narrates the North Carolina survival guide
6) Pam and Tommy discuss Foucalt's prison philosophies
5) J Edgar Hoover's secret appearance on E!'s Fashion Emergency
4) Tipper Gore sings 2 Live Crew with her kids 4th
3) The Area 51 Milky Way Christmas Party
2) Vince Foster's Living Will
1) The Richard Nixon cameo in the Zapruder film

Top 11 Reasons the Boy Scouts Can't Ban Gays

August 4, 1999

11) They make the best Scout Masters
10) Would-be army recruits need training in "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"
9) Ellen won't surrender her membership
8) The annual bake sale would suffer
7) Ever heard of NAMBLA?
6) Nobody wants to listen to RuPaul bitch
5) It would screw up Calvin Klein's newest ad campaign
4) Best way to guide Leo to his true self
3) Unfair to boys who participated in George Michael bathroom-cleaning expedition
2) The Sunflower Girls couldn't get rid of Peter Brady either
1) Boys learn about prison without actually visiting one

Top 11 Cool Things About Female Commanders in Space

July 28, 1999

11) Lack of Gravity eliminates need for bras
10) She can find the runway at night
9) Horny Mir residents more generous with vodka
8) Willing to hop out on mars and ask for directions
7) Launch gave Hillary something better to do than harass New Yorkers
6) Yet another touching Lifetime movie event
5) Event marks attainment of equality with monkees
4) Will lead effort to name next shuttle Oprah
3) One less bitch advertising flab at Woodstock
2) Moms pack extra Tang
1) She can bleed for seven days and not die

Top 11 Riot Tips Learned from Woodstock 99

July 25, 1999

11) $4.00 for water is perceived by some as a bargain
10) The popular people strip naked and yell "MTV sucks!"
9) A rocking booth will, at some point, spout free stuff
8) If you build a fence, use something stronger than plywood
7) Don't throw your shoes into the fire, it makes it hard to walk back to your tent
6) Smashing Television satellites in front of Staties is a bad idea
5) Candles are pretty, and dangerous
4) Transformers are for climbing too
3) Peace, Love, and Capitalism may not be the best combination
2) "The Man" is a pussy when it comes to fighting
1) Lighting a fire on a field of shit makes it smell worse

Top 11 Things John-John Missed Out On

July 22, 1999

11) Polyester
10) "Come on son, let's go play ball"
9) Buying a $2 scratchie at Cumbies
8) Asti Spumante
7) 250 straight hours of news coverage documenting his tragedy
6) Flying Coach
5) Having to work for a living
4) "I'm sorry sir, you're over your credit limit"
3) The sound of a woman's voice saying "No"
2) The tragic death of Uncle Ted
1) The runway at Martha's Vineyard

Top 11 Things to Do with Luggage Found on Martha's Vineyard

July 19, 1999

11) Call Dan Rather in hopes of securing 15 minutes
10) Spread rumors about perscription drug contents
9) Measure distance from discovery location to Jackie O's house in inches
8) Fly it down to a beach in Virginia just to confuse everyone
7) All liquor is legally the property of Uncle Ted - You must return it or face heavy fines
6) Use it as a pillow for naps during vigil at Kennedy compound
5) Make catty comments about CB's bra size
4) Add 2 kilos of coke for laughs and call coast guard
3) Use as admission to rescheduled wedding in Hyannisport
2) Make sure it's not an arm
1) Sell it on Ebay!

Top 11 Reasons Jesse "The Body" Should Return to Wrestling

July 12, 1999

11) He looks great in Spandex
10) Must escape blasted Minnesota insects
9) Good opportunity to finagle free copy of Sable Unleashed
8) He can shut Shane McMahon up once and for all
7) Jerry Lawler needs the beating Kaufman never gave him
6) Someone must destroy the World Karoake Federation
5) Excellent practice for American Gladiators 2 Pilot Episode
4) The race for Governor wasn't enough of an acting challenge
3) One step closer to real-life celebrity deathmatch
2) Might generate a Vanity Fair cover or at least a feature in George
1) Clinton won't be far behind

Top 11 Ways You Can Assist Orrin's Presidential Run

July 1, 1999

11) Volunteer your time to investigate democratic sexual indiscretions
10) Put a sign in your yard that says, "I don't do Bush"
9) Distribute psuedo-nazi-propaganda literature door-to-door
8) Work the Senator's name into your phone-sex calls
7) Build a time machine, head for Nam and take out McCain
6) Abortion clinic the enemy's campaign headquarters
5) Steal Bob Dole's viagra prescription
4) Get some nice chinese fellows to help him raise some cash
3) Find a way to shut Buchanon up for good
2) Slap a bumper sticker on your car that says "kill the poor"
1) Post to your website some sexy shots of the wanna-be prez

Top 11 Reasons to Become an Amerikan Citizen by Nikita Kruschev
(Son of the Former Premier of the Soviet Union

June 28, 1999

11) Marx wrote that socialism would first be realized in an industrial nation... like the United States!
10) He needed to become a citizen in order to get a higher security clearance in the Clinton State Department.
9) Working at McDonald's so he can send money home
8) Had to get citizenship to qualify for student loans
7) Communist party is an oxymoron-ski
6) He needed the passport to smuggle missiles in his pants
5) Castro's daughter seemed happy here, so he made the move
4) Attempting to fulfill his father's declaration that "we will bury you," he wants to open a chain of mortuaries in the U.S.
3) Dialectical materialism and it's concommitant impericism excludes the metaphysic by it's very method!
2) Mao's kids kept calling him "chubbie"
1) Blue-Jeans!

Top 11 Cool Things About Christianity

June 23, 1999

11) Jesus was Jewish
10) It's extremely lucrative
9) Cool historical cities like Sodom and Gomorrah
8) Christian Rock...well, maybe not
7) Priests celebate but allowed to fondle alter boys
6) Racist whites unaware they worship black god
5) No responsibility! All suffering blamed on Satan!
4) Poor murderers need only find Jesus to secure legal assistance
3) Wine before noon
2) Song of Songs excellent example of early porn
1) God knocked up a virgin!

Top 11 Reasons Buddy Got A Lifetime Membership to the University Club

June 21, 1999
Referring to Whatever's local mayor, Buddy Cianci

11) He's promised to stop pandering to Don Imus
10) Members thought they were voting to get him into the hairclub for men
9) Got tired of pretending they weren't home when Buddy called
8) Looking to beef up their image by integrating convicted felons
7) He brings the marinara sauce
6) Every club needs a jester
5) How can you turn down a guy with enough free skating passes for everybody?
4) Members hoping Buddy's influence will garner guest shots on "Providence"
3) It's a smart idea to get hooked up with Buddy's lawyer
2) Only way to get a good spot at WaterFire
1) Burn a guy with cigars and people will respect you

Top 11 Revelations By Jerry Fallwell Re: Lillith Fair

June 18, 1999

11) They promote the blasphemous worshipping of the chick who banged Adam before Eve
10) The tools of Satan never looked so tempting
9) Racist, white, Christian males don't get backstage passes for flashing their manhood, no matter how many T.V shows they have
8) Southerners yelling 'Freebird' get dirty looks
7) The presence of Tinky Winky is clear evidence of an effort to rebuild Sodom
6) Some of those tight clothes would look really good on me
5) You can bring a girl to the outhouse but she probably just wants to take a crap
4) The guys in army fatigues aren't actually guys, and didn't ever do a tour of Vietnam
3) Praying won't get them to wear bras
2) They worship the French god of the hairy pits
1) No bastard of mine would see a concert like that!

Top 11 Reasons to Investigate Robin Leach's Restaurant Behavior

June 16, 1999

11) Lack of champagne wishes and caviar dreams very suspicious
10) Nothing controversial ever happens in vegas
9) Dessert trend could spell disaster for Legs-N-Eggs shows everywhere
8) No one can explain why those girls were with him
7) Tony Danza wants answers, damn it!
6) Facilitates publicity for Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous Uncensored
5) Rumor has it Jimmy Hoffa was also in attendance
4) Yet another opportunity to define phrase "sexual act"
3) Gross exaggerations are the best kind
2) Foreigners are easier to convict than football stars
1) Rumors that he's heterosexual could be damaging

Top 11 Reasons Russians are in Yugoslavia

June 15, 1999

11) They're looking for cheap copies of Firefox
10) They want to party like its 1999
9) Yeltsin had to find some way to get Clinton to return his calls
8) Excellent opportunity to rape and pilage
7) Russian army looking for training from European arm of UPS
6) Controlling the airport creates a variety of hijacking opportunitites
5) They're Russia's most attractive women, and they're for sale
4) Hoping to "freak out" Madeleine Albright
3) Took a wrong turn, still too proud to ask for directions
2) Hoping to score some Serbian sex slaves
1) It's dangerous in Moscow

Top 11 Reasons Parental Advisories Should Be On Concert Tickets & Posters

June 8, 1999

11) This way, Pat Robertson will know he's not invited
10) Great excuse to keep Marilyn Manson in the news
9) Creepy warnings on concert posters will increase collectability
8) Embracement of Communism may improve US-China relations
7) Good excuse to distract people from efforts to change gun laws
6) Fines should generate porky slush fund for supporting senators
5) People should be aware Mel Torme is dead before they attend the concert
4) Might slow down notorious band slut Winona Ryder
3) It's easier to by porn with a handy label
2) Parents too busy to pay attention to anything without a Label
1) Kids shouldn't be exposed to images of Crucifixion

Top 11 Reasons to Censor the Simpsons

June 7, 1999

11) Quality television must be stopped!
10) Kids might take cue from Monty Burns and try to destroy the sun
9) Moe's is a front for kiddie porn
8) That Ned Flanders has a smart mouth
7) Patty and Selma smoke
6) Milhouse is a rumor-monger
5) Mailbu Stacy threatens Barbie empire
4) Sideshow Bob promotes violence against children
3) Smithers is clearly advancing the gay agenda
2) Homer obviously abuses alcohol
1) Bart says things like "Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul, it just something made up to scare us kids like the boogieman or Michael Jackson"

Top 11 Reasons Tyson Wears his Motorcycle Helmet Out Dancing

June 4, 1999

11) Something has to keep his brain from leaking out
10) A disguise like this would work for Austin Powers
9) He's gotta keep ready in case 'Kit' calls him with a NightRider emergency
8) He's decided to become Jewish and a big man needs a big yarmulke
7) He's noticed a trend in the need for ear protection
6) Hoping his rape victims won't be able to identify him
5) His mom told him to always bring protection
4) Hoping to get cast as an alien in next Star Wars movie
3) Makes him taller
2) Don King sends in the plays that way
1) Wants to get in on Robbie Kenivel's chick action

Top 11 Signs You're a Redneck Jedi

May 27, 1999

11) You park your home on the infield for the Pod Races
10) You dive into the trash compactor on a space station to elude security
9) Your first name is Luke and your last name is Duke
8) You've boasted to the best trained pilots of the Alliance that you've
"bullseyed wamp rats" in your "T-16 back home"
7) You walked into Yoda's home and thought, "Hey, this guy's livin' large"
6) Your idea of fun is riding out to Taashi Station to pick up some power converters
5) Your speeder chirps the first 12 notes of "Dixieland" when you peel-out of the Piggily-Wiggily parking lot
4) You used the Jedi Mind Trick to get out of a DWI
3) Your ettiquette and protocol droid calls you "cuz"
2) You have fewer remaining teeth than Yoda
1) You kissed your sister on the mouth...you know...just "for luck"

Top 11 Secrets China Didn't Steal

May 26, 1999

11) Answer to how Ken Starr got through law school
10) Answer to just who Gwyneth is shtupping now
9) Genetic blueprint for basketball players
8) The batphone number
7) Kia technology
6) The truth about Hillary's NY run
5) Location of super spy Waldo
4) Storyboards for Star Wars Episode II
3) Puerto Rico's secret weapon of war, Ricky Martin
2) Details of postponed Buffy season finale
1) Explanation for why 1-800-Call-ATT guy hasn't been killed

Top 11 Reasons Wrestler Owen Hart Died

May 24, 1999

11) Kansas City hates Canadians
10) Destitute over Pammy's reconciliation
9) Revenge for brother Bret's Wrestling Documentary
8) Thought the event was for "Celebrity Deathmatch"
7) Had to live up to match segment title "Over the Edge"
6) 250 lb men don't belong in a harness
5) Owner Vince McMahon making new WWF Faces of Death
4) For his "art"
3) No one taught him how to fake a 50-foot jump
2) Sets up Tuesday resurrection
1) Thought he was auditioning for "Dumbo" way off Broadway

Top 11 Trends in School Aged Sniper Surge

(Reprised and modified from last year's)
May 21, 1999

11) Flintstones fortified with Iron
10) Too many kids playing post office
9) GAP introduction of Kevlar bell-bottoms
8) The V-chip
7) New lighter, ceramic gunstocks enable younger assassins to enter this rewarding field
6) Prospects of getting into military bleak
5) Scared straight program with Charlie Manson backfires
4) Suicide not necessarily ultimate goal
3) Mc22s with every Happy Meal
2) New generation of obese adolescents make large, slow moving targets
1) Career Day with Jack Kevorkian

Top 11 Thoughts on Phantom Menace

May 19, 1999

11) Not all dead people disappear like Obi-wan
10) Some characters suspiciously resemble folks from Fraggle Rock
9) Jaba's ancestor's are just as fat!
8) R2D2 is an adorable little virgin
7) Miss Chewy
6) Pocorn @ 6am aint as bad as you might think
5) Ewan much less annoying than expected
4) Couldn't miss one second, even for a quick butt
3) Yoda is still dyslexic
2) Reviewers lying profusely - This movie rocks
1) We should all pray to Lucas five times a day

Top 11 Gifts for Mike's Birthday

May 18, 1999

11) 500mm Telephoto lens
10) A shiny red bike
9) Music Industry Insider's Phonebook
8) Lots of film for Woodstock
7) Top-of-the-line digital camera
6) Major ducats so he can bake pastries all day
5) Christina Applegate minus 10 years
4) Buyout of Whatever by Rolling Stone
3) Lizzy doing yardwork
2) A job at Fox
1) Get that wife to stop nagging him

Top 11 Reasons Andy Dick Ran from his Car Crash

May 17, 1999

11) His ass is too pretty for jail
10) Trying to get some free PR for cancelled News Radio
9) Thought bang of car hitting pole was start of LA junkie marathon
8) He was looking for Divine Brown
7) Saw a dragon he felt compelled to chase
6) Overly excited about Phantom Menace ticket opps
5) Chasing the tree that hit him
4) Wanted to see if coke would improve his 1/4 mile time
3) Afraid LA cops would "Rodney King" him
2) Thought he'd run over to Fox and see if he was "Caught on Tape"
1) His ass wants to spend more time in jail

Similiarities Between Yeltsin & Clinton Persecution

May 13, 1999

11) Liquor consumption not at issue in either trial
10) Both making killings in bear markets
9) Both offered jobs at SKG
8) Both relying on pot to get through crisis
7) Both forced to minimize Revlon association
6) No one wants to hear from the wives
5) www.whitehouse.gov & www.gov.ru equally lame
4) Yeltsin failed in Chechnya, Clinton in HidingItFromYa
3) Neither man bald
2) Each negativily labeled as NATO LOVER
1) Both impeachment efforts driven by Commies!

Top 11 Signs That Scream Summer Is Almost Here

May 11, 1999

11) Weathermen are lying like the President
10) It'll cost $4000 to fix your air conditioning
9) Weight watchers signing 'em up like hotcakes and sausage
8) A Discernable rise in barbeque-related accidents
7) Serial killers swap wood chippers for rider-mowers
6) Milosovich stages partial-withdrawal for Phantom Menace premiere
5) School shootings resume as academic year winds down
4) Marilyn Manson now sporting white thong
3) Work put a freeze on taking vacation
2) Smell of burning asphault easily overwelmed by smell of burning ass
1) Richard Simmons now showing both balls instead of just one

Top 11 Reasons Dana Plato Offed Herself

May 10, 1999

11) Howard Stern's penis really is that small
10) Willis refused to participate in another video store holdup
9) Her application to scientology was rejected
8) Afraid hair test would reveal she was actually 87
7) Couldn't even get a job cleaning toilets at the Playboy mansion
6) Mistakenly wrote arsenic on forged prescription form
5) Played "Hi Bob" with one too many valiums during Newhart Marathon
4) Didn't want to end up rooming at the big house with Pinky Tuscadaro
3) She bought guns for some kids in Colorado
2) What you talkin' 'bout, Crackhead?
1) Happy Mother's Day

Top 11 Things on Which Jenny Jones Would Rather Spend $25 Million

May 7, 1999

11) Oprah's integrity
10) Guests who don't pack heat
9) A decent boobjob
8) Better Lawyers
7) Guests who aren't confused about their sexuality
6) A seat next to Heston at the NRA Annual Banquet
5) Bulletproof vests for audience members
4) A Lewinsky interview, even post-book tour
3) Bribery money to get Star Search tapes permanently destroyed
2) Calista Flockhart's diet secrets
1) A good lay

Top 11 Methods to Control Children's Internet Access

May 5, 1999

11) Tell them there's only educational material available
10) Send out press releases to make it look like you're doing something
9) Disconnect telephone
8) Advance computer clock to Jan 1, 2000
7) Consult experts (your children)
6) Keep 'em busy with y2k stockpiling chores
5) Vaporware
4) Keep kids in basement
3) See what Pat Robertson says before doing anything
2) Provide porn at home so kids don't have to seek it out
1) Enroll your son/daughter in a marksmanship class

Top 11 Revelations in the RI State of Schools Report

May 4, 1999

11) 78% Kids grade K-8 think Buddy Cianci is more powerful than the President of the United States
10) 85% of all kids from Cranston will never leave the state
9) 90% believe that Buddy's Tax Collectors were on the dole, but its ok since "Buddy gets things done"
8) 10% of all RI High School Students think the internet will be the best way to get Dunkin Donuts in the 21st Century
7) 60% of all RI High School Students can spell donut properly
6) 90% of all RI High School Students have worked in a Dunkin Donuts
5) 0% of all RI High School Students can spell cholesterol
4) 48% of students were suprised "ka" is not the correct spelling for "car"
3) Only 2% own weapons, but 320% have thought about using them
2) 53% think "college" is a collection of pretty pictures
1) 100% of K-8 graders understand "Uncle Vinny" is not related by blood

Top 11 Warning Signs That Your Kid Might Go Over The Edge

April 27, 1999

11) Stays up late to watch "Highway to Heaven" reruns
10) He's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs
9) He destroyed all your Captain & Tenille albums
8) He stopped masturbating
7) Owns "Chicken Soup for the Soul"
6) Thinks Pam Anderson looks better without the fake biggies
5) Shares feelings without being sat down for a "Donahue" style talk
4) Spend hours on internet without accessing any porn
3) Keeps offering to rewire the lawn mower
2) Mumbles in his sleep "Pope's gonna get ya"
1) He's got a website

Top 11 Gifts Both Woody & Baby Bechet Can Enjoy

April 26 1999

11) Stool softener
10) Rubber nipples
9) A hat to cover the bald spot
8) Diapers
7) Sippy cups
6) Easily digested pureed peas
5) Any kind of bib
4) Video of Sun-Yi as child
3) Prozac Popsicles
2) The number of a good shrink
1) A Photo of Grandma

Top 11 People/Things to Blame for the Colorado School Shootings

April 22, 1999

11) Anyone with a cellphone
10) Milosovich, for starting the ethnic cleansing trend of the late 90's
9) Pam Anderson, for destroying the silicon dream
8) Charlton Heston, for fighting for the right to bear arms
7) Despots whose birthdays fall on April 20
6) Christian Slater; he was in "Heathers" after all
5) London Fog, Pioneer of the black trenchcoat
4) Filter and that "Hey man, nice shot" song
3) Marilyn Manson, because it's rumored he collects pentagrams
2) Barbra Streisand, for picking fights with Charlton Heston
1) How about the two boys with the guns?

Top 11 Reasons Pammy Had the Implants Removed

April 14, 1999

11) Gave them up when she realized they still weren't as big as Marlon Brando's
10) Silicon needed for new Pentium 4
9) Two Words: Back Problems
8) She's giving them to Tommy so he'll finally leave her alone
7) She wanted to see her feet
6) Took Cosmos's "Trimming Down for Summer" story way too seriously
5) Sick of being called "Dolly"
4) Thinks she can now deny she was ever in "that video"
3) Tired of Ford referring to their dual-air-bag-system as the "Pam Anderson"
2) She wants to prove men do cry
1) She wants people to take her seriously as an "actress"

Top 11 Reasons Buddy Needs a Bigger Pension

April 12, 1999

11) He'll need cash to buy plenty of loose-fit dockers at the new mall
10) He plans on owning more wigs than Imelda had shoes
9) Marinara sales thwarted by hostile Paul Newman
8) Once he's no longer Mayor, he'll have to pay for his own lunches
7) Overbid at PBS auction for mug/totebag combo
6) Needs Financing & the Farrelly Brothers for "Buddy's Big Adventure"
5) He wants to kick Boston's ass once and for all
4) Plans to circumnavigate the globe in the Buddy Blimp
3) Hoping to buy his way onto the Space Shuttle
2) Needs rinktime to train for Stars on Ice
1) He's Batman

Top 11 Reasons Rodman-Electra Marriage Ended

April 7, 1999

11) Carmen refused plastic surgery to make her look more like Dennis
10) Rodman likes real basketballs, not that silicon shit
9) Prenup prevented Dennis from sleeping with men
8) Dennis found out Carmen beat him out for a part in Goodburger
7) He stopped drinking
6) They need the divorce to generate publicity for the reconciliation
5) They kept fighting over closet space
4) Carmen found out Dennis uses urine to color his hair
3) Madonna called and she wants another baby
2) Electra confirmed the nickname 'worm' is accurate
1) Dennis couldn't three-peat

Top 11 Quotes Culled From www.republicans.org

April 5, 1999

11) Our President might nearly have made the escape of the century. Let us hope that Harry Houdini's patents have not been plagiarised!
10) It is also these same people who want to weaken our country's military defense, which is, besides God, the only thing that protects our ability to exist in the first place.
9) Our nation is wonderfully prosperous, but the state of our nation is dire.
8) We need to have our own "talking points" and take control. After all, we are in power. We don't know how to lead.
7) Monica could have been a secret agent and when he was talking to congressmen on the phone and servicing her could have been carrying secrets.
6) I think the communists have taken over the national media and the democrat party. I think this has led to lowering of moral values.
5) Everything they stand for is antichrist and antiamerican as far as im concerned when there terms are over they need to move to a communist country and live.
4) Prayer need to be back in schools.
3) In general pretty good but the number of freedoms being taken away daily and monthly with seemingly little opposition is staggering.
2) Democrats have become the party of hate. They are not using reason, and we're taking a beating.
1) I think that conservatism is the only "mature" way to look at life.

Top 11 Reasons to Crucify Yourself

April 2, 1999

11) You're a mother, it's your job
10) You could use a three-day vacation
9) Anything to get out of the cubical
8) Draw more people to your website
7) You're George W. Bush and you need to shore
up your credentials with the Religious Right
6) Lose 30 pounds in three days
5) It's not trendy. . . yet
4) Last ditch effort at tax-exempt status before April 15
3) Might fool God into forgiving you for the JonBenet incident
2) Swell way to attract hookers
1) Like Burger King, they let you keep your crown!

Top 11 Preparations for Star Wars Premiere Party

March 31, 1999

11) Write Ode to Leia
10) Take wookie costume to cleaners
9) See if Linda Tripp will agree to come as Jabba
8) Pick up C-3P0 book of etiquette
7) Repair the R2 unit
6) Record that B-to-B ad with Darth Vader in it
5) Make chocolate Death Star
4) Take as many drugs as Carrie Fisher
3) Try again to contact Yoda with Ouija board
2) Change name to Skywalker
1) Make more progress in stalking to George Lucas

Top 11 Explanations for Clinton's Big Baggie Eyes

March 25, 1999

11) He went 8 rounds with Tyson
10) He went 8 rounds with Hillary
9) Hoping to look more like chelsea
8) Up all night reading Traitor George's memoir
7) Hillary came back for more
6) Busy surfing realestate.com for Hillary's new pad in NYC
5) He was up all night playing Pieces of Assteroids
4) Upset his film, "Deposition" wasn't nominated
3) The shame is finally showing
2) Scores hooker inadvertantly smacked him with her enormous hooters
1) He's hooked on Tai-Bo

Top 11 Reasons to Convict Kevorkian

March 24, 1999

11) It'll be fun to watch him starve to death
10) He's not Y2K compliant
9) He didn't hire Cochran
8) McDonalds tired of him stealing loyal customers
7) Michigan kills one more, electricity for the next one's free
6) CBS needs the ratings
5) Charles Manson needs a friend
4) Danger of talkshow/website/media empire forming
3) Said the trailor for the new Star Wars sucked
2) What Cartman wants, Cartman gets 1) His work lacks the finesse of Jack the Ripper

Top 11 Signs Your Neighbor is a Serial Killer

March 23, 1999

11) Subscribes to Martha Stewart Living
10) Offered to show you his nipple-belt
9) He's got a "Kazinsky got Screwed" bumpersticker
8) He works for Exxon
7) Said he didn't like Waterboy
6) His dogs keep disappearing
5) He keeps washing the new woodchipper
4) Trys to enlist your help in repealling Son-of-Sam law
3) Invited you over to play "Silence of the Lambs"
2) Driveway stains that look like blood
1) Often starts sentences with, "The next time I kill..."

Top 11 Comments on The Oscars

March 22, 1999

11) Whoopie's black face routine is better than Ted's
10) Nolte wouldn't clap for Kazan, but we knew he wasn't going to win anyway
9) Billy Crystal watched from an airduct above the stage
8) Liv Tyler wouldn't speak to her Dad after he stole her matching necklace & earring set
7) We demand justice for Kathy Bates and the Waterboy!
6) Gwyenth shots during proceedings more frequent than commercial breaks
5) Dance interpretation about as entertaining as seeing Billy Bob get nominated again
4) Chris Rock really did think Whoopie was Oprah
3) Is there any way to remove Barbara Walters from the Barbara Walters pre-game show?
2) Great moments montage included the Cammie cum shot
1) Roberto Benigni smoked a helluva lot of PCP before the ceremony

Top 11 Reasons to Run for the GOP Nomination

March 10, 1999

11) Might lead to cool acting jobs
10) Opportunity to pursue Dad's unrealistic expectations
9) Bad press is better than no press at all
8) Chance to be in Forbes without exploiting familial connection
7) You have nothing better to do than flaunt your flannel
6) You're name's Quayle and you still haven't smartened up
5) A chance to meet the Gore Girls!
4) You need cash and campaing embezzlement potential is huge
3) To get your husband's ego under control
2) You'd like to have an affair with an intern
1) Excellent opportunity to humiliate Buchanan...again

Top 11 Fun Facts About The Grammys

February 25, 1999

11) Retrospective showed Michael Jackson was once a black man!
10) In Courtney's book, Grammys take a backseat to Apocalypse Now
9) Festivities were blessedly Mariah-free
8) Seinfeld looking more feral than ever
7) Hole bassist's resemblance to Tom Petty eliminated chance of winning
6) We'd prefer a slide-show of the sex book to Madonna's geisha bit
5) No one invited The Lewinsky
4) Country goes Sadistic: Shania dressed by image consultant Marilyn Manson
3) Celine lacks titanic breasts
2) Next year, we want to see some penis!
1) Nothing beats a cute chick in a wife-beater

Top 11 Punishments for John William King

(Scum-Sucking Racist Pig Who Dragged James Byrd Jr. to Death)

February 23, 1998

11) Put him in a 33 degree room and see if he ever freezes
10) Make him eat cockroaches until the disgust kills him
9) Use his vital organs for voodoo dolls
8) Give Rosa Parks a stick with which to slowly beat him
7) Hang him from a burning cross
6) Make him drink kool-aid until his bladder bursts
5) Remove his tatoos with sulfuric acid
4) Drag him in front of an 18-wheeler
3) Crucifiction worked on the son of God; this boy wont be no trouble
2) Decapitate him with a nail file
1) Get RuPaul to pork his ass to death

Top 11 Comments Republicans Hear When They're "Listening To America"

February 19, 1999

11) More khacki!
10) Where'd Newt go? Did he finally get caught?
9) When can I get the negatives?
8) We can arrange for another Lewinsky, can't we?
7) I saw it on the 700 Club. It must be true.
6) What are you doing to stop Marilyn Manson?
5) Y2K! Y2K! Y2K!
4) I just knew that Tinky-Winky was dangerous
3) The check will be deposited in your Swiss Account
2) What part of 'Impeach the President' didn't you understand?
1) Is this a sin?

Top 11 Ways Clinton Will Celebrate Escaping Impeachment

February 12, 1999
(The Final? Lewinsky List)

11) Consult witchdoctor in New Orleans re: Ms. Tripp
10) Give that nice Marcia Lewis a call
9) Nurture Hillary's committment to silence
8) Get that nice Bettie Currie a gift
7) Run that Starr fellow into the ground
6) Find out what those new Wow Chips are all about
5) Buy more Gap stock
4) Watch that way cool new show Providence
3) Release info about Jane Doe #917 just to stir the pot
2) Smoke a nice fat Monica
1) Duh. Interview new intern candidates

Top 11 Signs You Have The Flu

February 10, 1999

11) You're delirious enough to think 'OJ' will save you
10) You're watching Donnie & Marie
9) You're using lubricated condoms because you've run out of Puffs Plus with Lotion
8) You've sweat through 10 shirts and your feet haven't yet hit the floor
7) NBC expects you to explain Jon Stewart's success
6) You're an Indian who bought blankets for Y2K from Jerry Falwell
5) Your name is Arlen Spector and you're voting against impeachment
4) Mulder came to your house last night and said the surgery was a success
3) Your last sneeze took out three cars and two pedestrians
2) A sign on your door says, 'Will trade blowjobs for Robitussin
1) Your lung butter looks like pesto spaghetti

Top Reasons Not to Watch Donnie & Marie

February 2, 1999


Top 11 Idiotic Statements We Know Quayle Will Repeat as President

January 21, 1999

11) Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island right here. -- Hawaii, September 1989
10) We expect them [El Salvador officials] to work toward the elimination of human rights. --Speech to the Phoenix Republican Forum, March 1990
9) One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is `to be prepared'. -- 12/6/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
8) My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never surrender to what is right. --Speech to the Christian Coalition
7) We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. --LA Times, 21st May 1989
6) It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in the air and water that are doing it. --LA Times, 21st May 1989
5) I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future. --LA Times, 21st May 1989
4) I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy, but that could change. Speech to the Phoenix Republican Forum, March 1990
3) What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is. --Speech to the United Negro College Fund
2) Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. --Hawaii, September 1989
1) It's a pleasure to be in the great state of Chicago --Speech in Chicago

Top 11 Observations from The State-of-the-Union Address

January 20, 1999

11) Motherf*cker's late and I'm already missing News Radio!
10) Bi-partisan is actually a euphemism for blowjob
9) The new speaker is impossibly handsome...compared to Newt
8) An appearance by Sammy Sosa is always a nice way to avoid reality
7) Ted Kennedy had so much gin he asked if Jokers were wild
6) Hillary's fake-smile-wrinkles are growing at an alarming rate
5) Sex scandal preferable to silly statistics
4) Entire budget surplus will go to oldest living american
3) Republican response resembled kid's page editorial
2) Prepare for Y2K crash, ooops, I mean the new millenium bash, that's it
1) No Gap Dress!

Iraq's Top 20 TV Shows

January 12, 1999

20. Mecca Me Laugh
19. Caroline in the City without a veil or an escort and for that she must die!
18. Turks
17. Malcolm & Eddie
16. My Two Bagdads
15. Kill Ben Stein For His Money
14. The Daily Show-er of Anti-Aircraft Shell Casings
13. That 1070's Show
12. Everybody Loves Ramadon
11. Law and Order
10. Moisha
9. Dharma & Hassan
8. Vengeance Unlimited
7. Two Guys, a Girl and a Falafel Cart
6. Scuds (There was a show called Studs)
5. Open-Sesame Street
4. Noose Radio
3. Just Shoot Me
2. No Friends
1. Third 'Raq From The Sun

Top 11 Annoying Things About Ally McBeal

January 4, 1999

11) Guest-star John "I couldn't be a bigger loser' Ritter
10) Chicken Necks and Cheesy Sex
9) Not one Southie accent!
8) Bony breasts
7) They only lose when they want to
6) Oh God, they're singing again!
5) No Guest appearance from Judge Judy
4) Ally? Harvard? I Dont Think So!
3) Dyan "I can't believe she still thinks she's attractive' Cannon
2) Melrose Hand-me-downs
1) That Lame Bar Cow Vonda 'I have influential friends' Shepard

1998 Top 11 Lists