1998 Top 11 Archive

1999 Top 11 Lists

Clinton's Top 11 New Year's Resolutions

December 29, 1998

11) Make frequent state visits to Thailand
10) Get one of those cool internet names for anonymous cyber-sex
9) Pay more attention to Arafat
8) Stop it with the cigars already
7) Kiss Hillary's ass despite the smell
6) Refrain from use of the word 'penis' in the State-of-the-Union-Address
5) Gifts get you into trouble; be stingy
4) Fulfill blood oath to Vernon Jordan
3) Follow Newt's advice to "Only use pros"
2) Get an off-campus apartment
1) Down, Buddy, Down!

Top 11 Items in Clinton's Stocking

December 23, 1998

11) Less teeth, more tongue
10) Bob Livingston's head on a silver platter
9) Newt's head on a gold platter
8) One Million in Flyntbucks
7) Autographed copy of Dole's Viagra prescription
6) Gimp sex-slave Geraldo
5) 101 Uses for a dead article of impeachment
4) Salon magazine photos of GOP circle-jerk
3) Replacement Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card
2) Subscription to GOP resignation-of-the-month club
1) My Vote!

Top 11 Reasons We Bombed Iraq

December 17, 1998

11) Yippee! I get to be president for another week!
10) Depends on what you mean by the word bombed
9) Iraqi intelligence must be stopped from discovering secret ingredient in Pepsi One
8) Wilfred Brimley says 'It's just the right thing to do'
7) Airforce One was out of Paprika
6) The Iraqi desert was part of Whitewater deal
5) Hillary's in tune with the moon
4) Monica! I thought that tie was for me!
3) The gun that killed Vince Foster is buried there
2) Good way to reduce lines at the Mall of Iraq
1) Rudolf on strike; fallout illuminates Santa's way

Top 11 Reasons Clinton Won't Resign

December 14, 1998

11) He's still hoping he can lie his way out of this one
10) Needs one more weekend at Camp David to do some cleaning
9) Middle-aged guys who can score young chicks never quit
8) Still certain getting a blow job is not an impeachable offense
7) Paying off Paula left him low on cash
6) Hillary won't let him humiliate her...again
5) Trying to drive up the Gap's endorsement offer
4) Doesn't want to give up fancy middle-east vacations
3) Vowed not to leave without bagging at least one more intern
2) Still debating the meaning of 'resign' with lawyers
1) He can't rely on Monica to find him another job

Top 11 Reasons Kellogg's is Cutting 765 Jobs

December 2, 1998

11) Blueberry squares are just plain nasty
10) Rice krispie Treat sales fell off when people realized generic cereal worked just as well
9) Meuslix sounds too much like Moose Lips
8) Too many R&D dollars wasted on Monica's Morning Munchies
7) Snap, Krackle & Pop not as successful without cute co-star Drew Barrymore
6) Tucan Sam's demanding paternity leave, driving costs up
5) Tony The Tiger in the midst of a nasty sexual harrassment suit
4) Trendy new grocery stores don't carry anything as unimaginative as Product 19
3) Suprisingly, Pop Tarts dont have the saleability of their Spice Girl namesakes
2) No one wants to make the toilet committment All-Bran demands
1) Feds got hip to secret incredient in Super Sugar Smacks

Top 11 Reasons To Bring Back The Instant Replay

November 30, 1998

11) Fewer refs might mean more cash for Flutie
10) Fox can show more Party of Five commercials
9) Closeups of the wrinkles that develop every time Marino gets sacked
8) God forbid the US economy falls because of a Budweiser boycott
7) We'd know for sure if Clinton was lying about going to second base with Monica
6) To prove once and for all the Redskins will never win anything
5) Everyone wants a 2-hour 1st quarter
4) Close-ups of Bill Parcells' expanding jowels
3) We could find out just which hole Tommy Lee was penetrating
2) The Bills will finally win a superbowl...and...
1) Flutie won't get fucked again!

Top 11 Drawbacks of Netscape/AOL Merger

November 24, 1998

11) Now the stinkin' browser will become the stinkin OS
10) The phrase, "AOL is the Internet" will become widely used
9) Email newbies will be able to decode attachments
8) Now Microsoft will sue Netscape & AOL
7) We like totally don't need a company called MozillaSoft
6) The browser will need built-in solitaire
5) I already own a Steve Case dartboard
4) AOL's involved
3) I really don't need a Netscape button on my keyboard
2) Netscape's programmers + AOL programmers = computer crashes even when it's not turned on
1) Starting java....please wait

Top 11 Reasons Pats are Going to Hartford

November 20, 1998

11) Miami turned them down
10) Want to be closer to old Coach-God Bill The Big Tuna Parcells
9) Hartford revitalization also promises appearance by Jesus in 2000
8) This season's performance has completely eroded fan base
7) Kraft had to cut a deal before Bledsoe choaks again
6) New stadium has reinforced turf to get geriatric players off injured list
5) The mob says we go to Hartford, we go to Hartford
4) New Town, not long before we can justify a new coach
3) Residents of Fall River, MA haven't gotten a kick in the teeth lately
2) Snooty Connecticut Cash
1) To hide from Flutie!

Top 11 Starr Testimony Observations

November 19, 1998

11) Everyone has like totally forgotton about that money Clinton stole in Arkansas
10) I wish I had a 50 thousand dollar copier
9) Starr still acts like he'll have a career after this
8) He quivers like a ferret whenever he says 'impeach'
7) Score now stands Justice nothing, Comestain, one
6) The phgrase malicious prosecution didn't come up at all
5) That cloak of righteousness is starting to wear
4) Most congressmembers seemed depressed he didn't personally bring the dress
3) Starr denies he uses old spice
2) Backwards Kennedy spells whiskey
1) No Lewinsky Diagrams!

Top 11 Reminders for Monica (Post Tape-Release Fallout)

November 17, 1998

11) The tapes show that hog was fucking you too!
10) Always use that sexy 900 voice
9) Find friends who arent members of AARP
8) Heidi Fliess' freedom is not related to your story
7) Food will not save you
6) Find a boyfriend who's willing to go down on you
5) Paula got 850 grand and Oprah wont give you a nickle
4) When Bill dreams of you now, you're a goddamned nightmare
3) Keep an eye on Hillary; we hear she's into voodoo now
2) Just save the mug next time, okay sweetie?
1) There's always Playboy...

Top 11 Reasons We Didn't Bomb Iraq (Again)

November 16, 1998

11) We lost our evidence when US GIs fenced the Anthrax
10) Geraldo didn't want to give up his Guiness bid for a Monica Marathon
9) Clinton hasn't ruled Iraq out as an exotic exile location
8) We want another failed assassination attempt under our belts first
7) NASA wanted to milk the news cycle with a few hundred additional Glenn Interviews
6) Iraq inimindated by military might demonstrated in The Waterboy
5) Hoping Gates will offer to buy out Iraq when the Feds nab him
4) It's the season of giving, sheesh!
3) Sadam offered to roll-over for inspectors in exchange for a clean copy of Poison Ivy
2) We don't call him Slick Willy because he's getting Canola kickbacks
1) Flutie! Flutie! Flutie

Top 11 Reasons for Gingrich's Resignation

November 10, 1998

11) Afraid someone will discover he's actually Linda Tripp
10) Tired of taking crap from that Armey guy
9) Going to work as Ken Starr's copy machine
8) Taking a pay cut to prove he can make it in the NFL
7) He needs speaking engagement cash to pay off Dole
6) Voted 'Most Skeevy' in Congressional Quarterly
5) Tired of comparisons to Hitler
4) He's looking to grow a goatee
3) DNA tests reveal he is a direct descendant of Benedict Arnold
2) He got his own sitcom on the WB!
1) Wants to spend more time with his family...oops, forgot, he divorced his wife when she got cancer & blew off paying child support

Top 11 Signs You're Leaving Your Job

November 3, 1998

11) Lunch lasts from noon to noon the next day
10) Your desk is clean
9) You smile at work
8) You replace family photos with nothing
7) You sing 'I'm leaving on a jetplane' constantly
6) You freely send hate emails marked urgent
5) Most of your time is spent dialing long distance
4) You're stockpiling office supplies
3) You've read every story on E! online
2) You call in sick by saying, 'I could be, therefore I am'
1) You respond to requests from your boss with 'ok, asshole'

Top 11 Republican Reasons for Re-election

November 2, 1998

11) We backed off on Whitewater
10) We backed off on Travelgate
9) We made sure Lewinsky got a great book deal
8) We got Hillary pissed
7) We gave you Linda Tripp to hate
6) We gave you Kenn Starr to hate
5) We gave you the world's stupidist entrapment effort
4) We gave you Nixon's revenge
3) We gave you sex on the nightly news
2) We gave you blowjobs in the whitehouse
1) We gave you a stained dress

Top 11 Halloween Costumes

October 30, 1998

11) Blow up some balloons & be Pammy's rack
10) Get a ghost costume & be Vince Foster
9) Get a garbage bag & be Tommy Lee's condom
8) A Versacci dress & a hypo and you're Courtney!
7) Get a George Washington costume & be John Glenn
6) Dump a bottle of gin over your head & be Ted Kennedy
5) Get a witch costume & be Linda Tripp
4) Wear a Leo mask & be a gay magnate
3) Get a vampire costume & be Ken Starr
2) Roll around in shit & be Mr. Hanky
1) Grab your cigar suit & moisten with mayo

Top 11 Independant Counsel Expenses

October 29, 1998

11) $100,000 in callgirls to entrap the President
10) $30,000 to asassinate McDougal before he cleared Clinton
9) $17,000 for Paula Jones' nose job
8) $13,000 to the guy who 'leaked'
7) $900,000 to pursue Clinton's cyber-sexual activities
6) $45,000 for Lewinsky's fellatio class
5) $800,000 on staff member luxury love-nests
4) $2,000,000 on lunch for Linda Tripp
3) $30,000 to compare Vince Foster's Suicide to Kurt Cobain's
2) $20,000 to bring the whole staff to 'Kurt & Courtney'
1) $17,000,000 on Starbucks tab

Top 11 Celebrity Wishes

October 27, 1998

11) Monica Lewinsky: Smaller Breasts
10) Calista Flockhart: Real Breasts
9) Marilyn Manson: Nippleless Breasts
8) Tori Spelling: Unscarred Breasts
7) Tommy Lee: Pammy's Breasts
6) Roseanne: Chicken Breasts
5) Hillary Clinton: Better Breasts
4) Ellen Degeneres: Anyone's Breasts
3) Kenn Starr: Linda Tripp's Breasts
2) John Travolta: Turkey Breasts
1) Bill Clinton: Naked Breasts

Top 11 Concessions Made for Middle East Peace

October 22, 1998

11) Palestinians will only bomb bus stations on alternate wednesdays
10) Israelis agree to position Mecca billboard in view of ancient jewish temple
9) Neither leader will do any Pizza Hut endorsements
8) Muslims get just as much pool time as Hassidic Jews
7) Holocaust museum must institute Palestinian discount
6) All hotel rooms must contain Talmud, Koran and Rushdie's latest
5) Tabouli must become accepted Kosher meal
4) Gaza must henceforth be known as Spaza
3) West Bank given to Palestinians if they promise to bathe regularly
2) Security assurances given to hassidic Jews who cut their curls
1) Both sides promise to delay armageddon one more year

Top 11 Reasons's Tyson's License was Restored

October 19, 1998

11) A few more punches to the head might render him mute
10) John Glenn refused offers to jump in the ring
9) Vegas looking to increase family-oriented attractions
8) Rapists have a right to ear $30 million in one year
7) Caesar's Palace need new carpeting
6) Don King needs an excuse to get back on Larry King Live
5) Tyson all-male revue didn't attract much interest
4) Another chance to take out a west coast rapper
3) Sets stage for Lewinsky-Tyson celebrity deathmatch
2) He's got lots more people to 'spank'
1) Evander's got another ear

Top 11 Reasons to Shoot John Glenn Into Space

October 13, 1998

11) Only way to remove the alien being inhabiting his body for the last 40 years
10) NASAARP (National Aeronautics and Space Association of American Retired Persons) lobbied for Glenn
9) Florida's too good for old people
8) Secret Mission: They plan to deflect a deadly meteor using his kidney stones
7) Astronaut George Burns died before completing his training
6) He's the only one who can still fly a plane without a computer
5) Good way to launch 2000 presidential campaign
4) Need a script for Cocoon III
3) Easy excuse for the flashing right turn signal engineers can't turn-off
2) Our alien overlords demanded it
1) Old people are cheaper than monkeys

Top 11 Reasons Republicans Want To Block Education Funding

October 12, 1998

11) Certain money they approved for student loans was more-than-enough
10) Unwilling to fund anything that's not Christian Right
9) Think seatbelts on buses are frivilous
8) Republican kids go to private school & won't benefit
7) Think money would be better-spent on impeachment proceedings
6) Concerned history books say Nixon resigned
5) Most teachers are democrats
4) Funding for Girl's football facilitates lesbianism
3) Students in Arkansas might get Grade A meat
2) Afraid computer-savvy kids will hack Starr's porn site
1) Kids might learn to vote

Top 11 Reasons to Vote the Democratic Slate!

October 10, 1998

11) Republicans are porn-mongers
10) It's always fun to see Ralph Reed upset
9) It's the only way to end the hemoraging
8) Do you want your soaps or Henry Hyde for the next two years?
7) Remember Dan Quayle?
6) Blowjobs are an inalienable right
5) They score younger women
4) Democratic VP's kids are potheads
3) Ross Perot says it's crazy
2) The longer you wait, the more money Monica gets
1) You ain't rich!

Top 11 Reasons To Bomb Yugoslavia

October 7, 1998

11) US army hasn't had a good opportunity to rape & pilage in a while
10) Tony Blair was once mugged in Belgrade
9) Turmoil in potato-producing country could threaten french fry availability
8) Good incentive to teach US students to spell Yugoslavia
7) Woods-dwelling refugee lifestyle a threat to US logging industry
6) American's didn't do that well in Sarajevo Olympics
5) Albright gets an 'orgasmic rush' waging wars in foreign lands
4) Slobadon, like Sadam, begins with an S
3) Milosevic reportedly had sex with an intern
2) We always intervene in wars that involve white people or oil
1) UN needs opportunity to launder Turner's donations

Top 11 Reasons Senate Voted to Proceed with Impeachment Inquiry

October 6, 1998

11) They need a reason to refuse Monica's internship request
10) Clinton lost a game of 5-card stud
9) Rehnquist hoping to boost sales of his book on impeachment
8) Ross Perot's comments are always so persuasive
7) Need to keep the news cycle moving before it ends up like Japan's economy
6) Need to increase traffic on Starr-report download site
5) Republicans hoping the third time's the charm
4) NOW offended Clinton didn't GIVE head
3) Those 'Impeach Clinton' bumper stickers are really effective
2) Hillary thinks it will be advantageous in divorce proceedings
1) Gingrich must dispell rumors of his crush on Clinton

Top 11 Real Meanings of "Guilty But Mentally Ill"

October 5, 1998
(Plea Accepted by Judge in Kentucky Prayer Circle Murder Trial)

11) Crazy Carneal
10) Weak But Armed
9) Molested By Dad
8) Nazi
7) NRA Poster-Boy
6) Deranged Schizo
5) Facilitator of Crucifiction
4) The Demented Executioner
3) 22-Wielding Psycho
2) Manson Wannabe
1) Wacko Blood Spiller

Top 11 Fun Facts About The Tripp Tapes

October 2, 1998

11) Tripp audibly flatulent throughout the recordings
10) Monica sounds like Minnie Mouse
9) When Tripp and Lewinsky order 'The Usual,' they mean the entire left side of the menu
8) Bill's comestain smelled like a fry-o-later
7) Linda Tripp does Public Relations work FOR our government?!
6) Gore was actually Monica's first choice
5) Tripp testing the microphone: Testing, 1-2-3-4, This is for Richard Nixon, 1-2-3-4.
4) The microphone was hidden in the folds of the mole of Tripp's cheek
3) Tripp was only using the Lewinsky/Clinton affair to get closer to Ken Starr
2) Tripp doctored the tapes using the same razor she uses to shave her back
1) The cigar was Linda's idea

Top 11 Signs You're an Idiot

October 1, 1998

11) You consider Martha Stewart to be your personal savior
10) You thought it was a bad idea for Mike McCurry to resign
9) When you die you want your friends to smoke your ashes
8) You thought the President might leave his wife for you
7) You're an attorney for Paula Jones
6) You bought the Bloomin' Onion
5) You quit your job to become a Scientologist & meet Tom Cruise
4) You wish there were more 'America's Funniest' programs
3) You're married to Bill Clinton & didn't know he was cheating
2) You think Q-tips are really small tampons
1) Strawberry Quik is your favorite mouthwash

A Few, Eleven To Be Specific, Of Ken Starr's Favorite Things

September 29, 1998

11) Favorite Boardgame: Trivial Pursuit
10) Favorite Cartoon: The Capital Gang
9) Favorite Journalist: Kitty Kelly
8) Favorite Spice Girl: Vanilla Ice
7) Favorite TV Personality: Clarence Thomas
6) Favorite Book: Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask
5) Favorite Religious Figure: That black fellow, Marion Barry
4) Favorite Quote: 'Revenge is a dessert best served cold w/ a nice triple espresso latte.'
3) Favorite Sexual Position: "There's more than one?"
2) Favorite Halloween Treat for the Kids: Marlboros
1) Favorite Toy: Swedish Penis Enlarger

Reports are -- THIS QUOTE IS FAKE!

Best Starr Quote

September 28, 1998

Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to know'.
-- Kenneth Starr, 1987, "Sixty Minutes"

Top 11 Reasons to Start a Pro-Clinton Website

September 25, 1998

11) Somebody has to combat the pornography being churned out by the Republican dominated judiciary committee
10) Marilyn Manson told us to
9) We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights,that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness [blowjobs]
8) To demonstrate that White Supremacists, Nazis, Christian Identity groups and Republicans are not the only ones who can build a Website
7) We the people in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice and ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the attention of nubile interns for ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America
6) Jefferson banged his slaves and sold his sons into slavery and it's not too late to impeach him
5) There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance
4) Reagan and Bush committed actual criminal acts and were not punished
3) Lying about sex is expected of every American
2) We elected him knowing he was a pig; we must stand by that choice
1) Because no one else has

Top 11 Signs You're Spiritually Bankrupt

September 24, 1998

11) Madonna's 'Ray of Light' made you see God
10) A cross-bow is your solution for road rage
9) You hold a management position in a Fortune 500 company
8) You gave up satanism for alien abduction when Marilyn Manson changed clothes
7) You spent $40 million on researching presidential blowjobs
6) Your main goal in life is to be a castmember on 'The Real World'
5) You fired Norm McDonald
4) You need steroids to beat Sosa
3) Your album 'Celebrity Skin' debuted at #9 on the Billboard Chart
2) You think breaking a semen-stained dress story makes you a journalist
1) You boast about impeaching the President to your mistress and illegitimate children

Top 11 Ways US Would be Different Without Monica

September 23, 1998

11) Republicans would be focused on 2008 presidential election
10) Hillary delivers second child at State Dinner
9) Those people in Afganistan & Sudan would still be breathing
8) National Health Care passed
7) Bill & Buddy have a lot of explaining to do
6) We'd know something really nasty is going down in Sierra Leon
5) Roseanne would have been the last cow on the cover of Vanity Fair
4) There'd be a budget surplus; oops, how'd that happen?
3) Craig Kilborn would be jobless
2) Cigar sales would have leveled off
1) Linda Tripp...no she'd still be an ugly backstabber

Top 11 Punishments for Clinton

September 22, 1998

11) Hillary gets oral sex
10) Make him wear a chastity belt
9) Hire Linda Tripp to replace Vernon Jordan
8) Must do PSAs on the dangers of residual DNA
7) No more Big Macs
6) Must promise to marry Lewinsky when Hillary seeks divorce
5) Tatoo 'oral sex counts as sexual relations' on his johnson
4) Give $10,000 to the republicans every time he has an impure thought
3) Include tips & tricks for mastrubation in State-of-the-Union addresses
2) Chainsmoke Monigars until he gets sick
1) Bobbittize him!

Top 11 Things We Learned From Clinton's Videotaped Testimony

September 21, 1998

11) Ken Starr's a dick
10) Clinton is more slippery than a snake in olive oil
9) The independent counsel cheaped out on video equipment
8) If Clinton allowed Paula to play ‘Island of Dr. Moreau,’ she would have dropped the case
7) Hillary’s name never comes up in discussions of sex
6) Starr’s prosecuters are even more incompetant than he
5) After 4 and a half hours, even lurid sexual details are boring
4) Gennifer was indeed de-flowered
3) Anal sex was never an option
2) The Gap needs to research stain-resistant fibers
1) He’s still hot for that little blow job queen

Top 11 People to Impeach Next

September 18, 1998

11) Mark McGwire, for his steroid-tainted record
10) Henry Hyding His History of infidelity beHind Hypocracy
9) Sen. Dan 'I'll pay to raise the child if you just keep quiet about it' Burton
8) Jerry Springer, for not sharing his own porn experiences on the show
7) A certain 'Independent Counselor' who is on tobacco & republican payrolls
6) Anyone who has claimed to have spoken to God and taken money
5) Courtney Love, for like killing Kurt
4) Pat Robertson, who's 1st child was neither premature nor 2/9ths a miracle
3) Hillary Clinton, this whole mess is really her fault for not blowing Bill
2) Betty Currie for not blowing Bill
1) Monica, she's too fat; most powerful nation's soon-to-be ex-prez should have a real babe

Top 11 Reasons to Release Video-Taped Clinton Testimony

September 17, 1998

11) Everyone's already seen the Pam & Tommy Video
10) As Americans, we have an inherent right to humiliate our President
9) The US is overdue for discussion of present sodomy laws
8) Its eventual [inevitable] distribution was the only reason Starr allowed it
7) Watching the president sink will be more exciting than Titanic
6) The video director deserves recognition for his achievement
5) We all want to hear him say 'penis' and 'vagina'
4) House Speaker Newt Eunuch needs a little vicarious action
3) AFHV has needed a boost since Bob Saget left the show
2) It's fun to see Hillary pissed
1) Might as well make some money from Clarence Thomas' repeated rentals

Top 11 Reasons to Slap Clinton on the Wrist

September 15, 1998

11) It's the only non-errogenous zone on Clinton's body
10) If we do anything more, we'll have to get rid of Sen. Dan Burton, too
9) If you were married to Hillary, you'd lie too
8) The French are laughing at us for a change
7) The Greeks want to know why it's such a big deal as long as Monica is not a goat
6) There aren't enough faithful people in government to fill a shoe
5) Its the only way to get him to put down the Starr report and let go of himself
4) The three congressmen who had sex with underage pages were allowed to finish their terms
3) Terrorism, disease, poverty, hunger, aging, crime, etc...
2) Let him that is without sin cast the first vote for impeachment
1) He likes that sort of thing

Top 11 Offenses that Merit Clinton Impeachment

September 10, 1998

11) Told Paula Jones he had a 10-inch dick
10) He never told Monica about the climedia
9) Overheard calling Kenneth Starr 'Bungholio'
8) He took a mulligan while country-clubbing with Vernon Jordan
7) He cheated on his diet, establishing a pattern of deceit
6) Said he was 'playing golf' when he injured his knee
5) He had a six-pack of diet coke and a bag of chips in the 6 items or less line
4) Claims he never pees without washing his hands
3) Says he always practices 'safe sex'
2) Denied Hillary's thighs reminded him of the Redwood Forest
1) Insists 'whoever smelt it, delt it'

Top 11 Reasons McGwire Beat Sosa to The Record

September 9, 1998

11) Humanitarian Sosa preoccupied by floods in Bangladesh
10) McGwire's got an in with the bat boys
9) Sosa laying low after threats from Gilooly
8) McDonald's pulling strings for 'Big Mac' endorsement
7) Bulls have sucked up Chicago's quota of sports victories
6) McGwire buys 'vitamins' at GNC
5) Marge Schott insisted that her pitchers through meatballs to the 'White' one
4) Pete Rose's money was on Sosa
3) Sosa, like many, hates Costas
2) Sosa negotiating for Avis endorsement deal: We're number 2, We try harder
1) Sosa batting coach busy having affair with intern

Top 11 TV Shows for Marilyn Manson

September 8, 1998

11) Sanford and manSON
10) My Three ManSONS
9) The MANson from U.N.C.L.E.
8) Soul ManSON
7) The ManSONS of Katie Elder
6) The Six Million Dollar ManSON
5) Everybody Loves Manson
4) The Late Show with David LettermanSON
3) Manson & Mindy
2) Marylin McBeal
1) Over Exposure

Top 11 Reasons Not to Buy Titanic

September 1, 1998

11) Soon it will be free with Happy Meals
10) The Avengers is already on video
9) Why pay for fully-clothed Leo when naked Leo's free on the net?
8) Titanic is for girls
7) Surprise video ending: Leo lives
6) There are better lesbian love titles available
5) No Lewinsky jokes
4) Linda Hamilton will kick your ass
3) May cause pourous lesions
2) James Cameron's already overly-inflated ego
1) It's a boat that sinks, OK? End of Story

Top 11 Ways to Remember Diana

August 31, 1998

11) Get Divorced
10) Get Trevor to fess up
9) Give Charles & Camilla a wedding
8) Toast Henri Paul's driving abilities
7) Kill Elton John
6) Take a drive through a Paris tunnel
5) Buy an overpriced dress
4) Blow a land mine
3) Blow Prince Harry
2) Have sex with a doggie, er, dodie
1) Binge & Purge

Top 11 Spice Girl Baby Names

August 25, 1998

11) Bratty Spice
10) Oops! Spice
9) Why Me Spice?
8) Old Spice
7) It Broke Spice
6) Ruined Spice
5) Bloodtest Spice
4) IUD didn't work fer me Spice
3) Rubber Spice (see #7)
2) Cellulite Spice
1) Diana Spice

Top 11 Things Clinton Neglected to Say

August 18, 1998

11) I'm a shifty little liar
10) Sorry I called you psycho, Monica
9) I can't help it if I attract ugly women
8) Hillary has purchased a chastity belt for me
7) I'll resign when pigs fly
6) All interns will be required to produce dry-cleaning receipts
5) I only dated one of Chelsea's friends
4) Every woman on the grand jury wants me
3) Democrats paid the wife not to divorce me until after 2000
2) I'll be smarter next time
1) Ken Starr is gonna pay

Top 11 Surprises in Clinton Testimony

August 17, 1998

11) It was actually Betty Currie who had sexual relations with Monica
10) He finds Ken Starr strangely attractive
9) If he had one inch less, he'd be the First Lady
8) He ain't afraid to get head from a fat chick
7) He thought Monica did laundry
6) He thought Monica thought he was Stefanopolous
5) He already wrote a book about it to beat Monica to the punch
4) Vernon wouldn't join in
3) He's got video of himself not having sex
2) There's never enough kleenex around when you need it
1) Hillary watched

Best 11 Snipets of Advice for Monica from John Dean

August 10, 1998

11) Don't bring up the Watergate Hotel
10) Job hunting will be challenging in the future...
9) I could use an intern
8) All rats get book deals -- Buy my book!
7) Tricky is not a compliment
6) 'Nut Mail' isn't what you think
5) A presidential resignation is only slightly embarrassing...
4) Impeachment is not guaranteed
3) It ain't evidence without a little heresay
2) Don't let Woodward & Bernstein take credit for your hard work
1) To get publicity, write letters to girls who have sex with presidents

Top 11 Reasons Not to Golf with Michael Douglas

August 7, 1998 11) He still thinks he Gecko and you have to let him win
10) He can't control his balls
9) He can't control his family's balls
8) Saying balls is enough to get him to show you his
7) He thinks yelling "Fore" is a way to order prostitutes
6) His driver tends to slip in his hands
5) He keeps placing his putter in other peoples bags
4) Once he gets it up on the green there's no stopping him from sinking it in the hole
3) Racists get bad tee-times
2) Lawsuits are time-consuming
1) Caddy anarchy!

Top 11 Differences Between Carlin and Barnicle

August 6, 1998

11) Carlin will be on Chronicle this week
10) Credibility
9) Boston to name park after Carlin, toilet after Barnicle
8) Carlin wants pope to 'come out,' Barnicle wants pope to explain how he scores
7) 'Somedays a little brain damage can...' get Carlin work; get Barnicle fired
6) Barnicle says he didn't plagiarize Carlin, Carlin says, 'Who's Barnicle?'
5) Barnicle's been asked to resign; Carlin's resigned to Barnicle's thievery
4) Carlin embarrasses others; Barnicle embarrasses himself
3) Barnicle Smokes a cigar, Carlin smokes marijuana
2) Carlin writes jokes, Barnicle types jokes
1) Carlin calls his thoughts 'Brain Droppings,' Barnicle calls Carlin's thoughts his thoughts

Top 11 Leading Questions for Monica

August 5, 1998

11) Do you keep femine articles in the president's desk?
10) Is is bigger then a baby's arm?
9) Do you hang up when Hillary answers?
8) Why didn't you swallow?
7) How good does Bill look in a dress?
6) Is Linda Tripp that ugly in person?
5) Did you inspire Paula to get that nose job?
4) Have you received treatment for knee injuries?
3) Why don't you wash your clothes?
2) Are you free tonight?
1) When did you stop fucking the President?

Top 11 Reasons Kevorkian Lawyer Will Be Next Michigan Governor

August 4, 1998

11) Ann Arbor residents boost Tourism with 'Nice Place to Die' slogan
10) Restrictive Needle usage laws repealled
9) Necking with exhaust pipes OK!
8) His real name is Satan
7) Eddie Money sings comeback song 'Two Tickets to Purgatory'
6) Detroit can expand business opps with 'Autocoffins'
5) The Shotgun is not a weapon, it's a tool of mercy
4) New Speed Limit: As Fast as it takes to die
3) Crossbows can be used as Hypos
2) Michiganers want Kevorkian Kingdom
1) Bullshit now admissable in court

Top 11 Stains/Marks on Monica's Dress

August 3, 1998

11) Knife Mark in Back: Courtesy of Linda Tripp
10) Grease from the door hitting her on the way out
9) Buddy Slobber
8) Shoeprints from Hillary kicking her ass out
7) Ken Starr's grubby fingerprints
6) Rug Burn Wear & Tear
5) Paparazzi Piss
4) Her mother's Embarrassment
3) Daddy's Shame
2) Desanitizer: Gift from Betty Currie
1) Hot Man Chowder

Top 11 Hints The President Might be Lying

July 30, 1998

11) Name is President Lewinsky
10) Unable to distinguish White House from Whitewater
9) Insists 'Crossies Count!'
8) There's cum all over your dress
7) US Satellites now follow Chinese calendar
6) Your name is Vince and you decided to 'commit suicide'
5) He's on 60 Minutes
4) Thinks making $100,000 from $100 in 1 year isn't unusual
3) Says he loves his wife very much
2) Claims he's innocent
1) Says he doesn't like blowjobs

Top 11 Signs You're About to Be Fired

July 29, 1998

11) Boss says Have a nice vaction even though you aren't taking one
10) You're a headchopper working for Sunbeam
9) Coworkers often ask, 'What are you still doing here?'
8) You replaced the oil in the fry-o-later with Coppertone
7) You got dumped, lost your apartment, and crashed your car
6) Guilt forced you to tell your boss you're sleeping with his wife
5) Tomato Basil Ice Cream was your last 'good' idea
4) Your big presentation was cancelled and you're on coffee duty instead
3) You're an intern sleeping with the president
2) One Word: Reorg
1) You came to work yesterday with a gun

Starr's Top 11 Leading Questions for the President

July 27, 1998

11) Did you share Monica with the secret service?
10) Did you offer Monica a better job so she could give you a better job?
9) How many times did Lewinsky pet Buddy?
8) Mr. President did you encourage Monica to inhale?
7) Did you teach Monica how to blow the old saxophone?
6) What do you do for oral sex now that Monica's not available?
5) Have you ever issued an Executive Order for nookie?
4) Have you ever been alone with Ms. Lewinsky in the Oral--ecuse me, Oval office?
3) If Hillary Clinton is your First Lady, what number is Ms. Lewinsky?
2) When you ejaculated on Ms. Lewinsky's dress, were you on top of the desk or under it?
1) When did you stop fucking the interns?

Top 11 Emmys for Which Ally McBeal was Nominated

July 24, 1998

11) Best chick-show
10) Best Short Subject: Peter "the biscuit" McNicol
9) Best Special Effects: The ubiquitous, computer-generated dancing baby
8) Best Score, when Ally nailed the art-class model
7) Best Screen-play, when Ally nailed the art-class model
6) Best Producer, Originator of coed bathroom concept
5) Best Comedy with Superfluous male eunich
4) Best Make-up: When Billy and Georgia "Made-Up" on Billy's desk
3) Best Cinematagraphy: Remote-controlled toilet flushing
2) Best Guest Performance: Janet Reno's Waddle
1) Best supporting undergarment in a comedic role

Top 11 Contributors To Paula Jones' Nose Job

July 23, 1998

11) Christian Coalition donated magazines for the surgeon's waiting room
10) Hillary Clinton threw in a few bucks because she was embarrassed Bill shagged such a dog
9) Lewinsky sparked enough news coverage to demonstrate the necessity
8) Republican campaign funds
7) All of the hardworking people at her coke dealer's place
6) Ken's falling Starr
5) Feminazis all over the globe who buy her story
4) Nominal sales of 'My Wife Blew the President' T-shirts
3) Insufficient evidence
2) The lawyer who knew he'd never win an appeal with such an unappealing client
1) Any photograph of Paula ever taken

Top 11 Original Pilots for the '98 Fall Season

July 22, 1998

11) Klinefeld: The story of an aging, Jewish standup and his kooky friends in New York City. Starring Robert Kline
10) Tynefeld: Tyne Daily returns to the screen in the story of an aging New York City police woman and her kooky neighbors
9) Whatsyersignfeld: The story of a NYC astrologer and his even kookier neighbors
8) Sein Fein Felt: Gerry Adams and his kooky freedom fighter friends show us the lighter side of the IRA. Set in New York City
7) Ursinefeld: The story of a kooky group of bears in the Bronx Zoo
6) Gynfeld: The story of a New York City obstetrician and his kooky friends at a big (New York) city hospital
5) Achoruslinefeld: The observations of a choreographer and friends in New York city
4) Shinefeld: Geoffrey Rush recreates his Academy Award winning character, pianist David Helfgott, now in NYC with a bunch of new friends
3) Kihnfeld: Our love's in jeopardy, but not our laughter in this ensemble comedy starring the Greg Kihn Band frontman!
2) S'minefield: Join a NYC comic his two buddies and a wacky WAC as they sweep for explosives in this WWII era comedy
1) Seinman: an angry postal worker ruminates on life's crueler ironies

Top 11 Reasons to Believe the U.S. Did Use Sarin gas on Defectors in Laos during "Operation Tailwind"

July 21, 1998

11) The Pentagon investigated it 28 years later and says it found no evidence
10) Defense Secretary William Cohen certainly isn't just "The Face"
9) Arnett blackballed by every agency of the U.S. government from the Pentagon
8) The U.S. only had two defections during the entire war
7) It's more comfortable
6) Conspiracies are always true
5) Investigation lasted a month
4) Defense Secretary William Cohen is "an Ass"
3) "Tailwind" does sound like gasing your own guys
2) You like the X-files (even the movie)
1) We had much better nerve gases than Sarin by 1970

Top 11 Reasons to Visit Papua New Guinea

July 20, 1998

11) Awesome Waves
10) Limited Population
9) Clothes hanging from trees are free
8) Odds are a potential new wife won't have inlaws
7) Hot Relief Babes from Australia
6) Fantastic Real Estate Development Opportunities
5) Plenty of diseases for biological weapons development
4) No Spice Girls
3) Clean beaches
2) Heavenly for Necrophiliacs
1) Plenty of Food for Cannibals

Top 11 Revelations in George Michael Cyberchat

July 17, 1998

11) Wham! deals were sealed with a handshake
10) Calling your hand "baby" only attracts attention
9) Public parks are not sexual playgrounds
8) Better to come out of the closet that get caught in there
7) Public restroom soap is abrasive
6) Touring sucks but keeps you in different restrooms every night
5) Being gay is better than going solo
4) Most public rest rooms have not been soundproofed
3) Toilet paper is very handy
2) Graffitti can be a turn-on
1) 'Lock the stall door' is good advice

Top 11 Reasons to Ban Bilingual Education

July 16, 1998

11) One language seems to be more than our kids can handle already
10) Respect from the international community is over-rated
9) Multilingualism will lead to more network soccer telecasts
8) God forbid we end up like Canada
7) French girls will blow you no matter what you say
6) If we learn other languages, what will be the incentive for foreign kids to learn English?
5) Ebonics is the devil's tongue
4) If those Mexican kids learn English, you can say goodbye to the $2 burger
3) English has the best swear words
2) Have you ever met a high school teacher?
1) Our kids are American and they'll learn American damnit!

Top 11 reasons to lose your virginity on the internet

July 15, 1998

11) Everyone will know you're a slut
10) You can easily coerce child support when conception is digitally documented
9) At 240x180 you can't see anything anyway
8) People on 28.8s will think you have a lot of stamina for your first time
7) People will actually think you were a virgin before the broadcast
6) Most parents wouldn't know a URL from a UFO
5) Unlike most kids, you've given it a lot of thought and planning
4) Life as an unpopular geek suddenly changes, now very popular geek
3) Give your friends the opportunity to guess if the orgasms are fake
2) Cool advertising slogan: Bandwidth Matters
1)Inevitable comparisons to Tommy Lee unfavorable, but you are still admired for your balls (in the figurative sense).

Bottom 11 reasons to lose your virginity on the internet

July 15, 1998

11) Worry that he won't email you in the morning
10) 9 months too late for the first internet birth
9) You're only 2 pixels flaccid and 3 when erect
8) People viewing with T1s will think you have the staying power of a gnat
7) Changing your mind will be very unpopular
6) Your sketchy uncle Charlie's fantasy will be realized
5) You won't just be having sex in the special place you've chosen, you'll be having sex on desktops across the world
4) Even the other geeks will make fun of your physique
3) The camera adds twenty pounds to everything, even the zits on your butt
2) Latex, a flimsy firewall between you and your partner
1) Herpes treatment not downloadable

Top 11 Reasons Not to Kill Myself Today

July 14, 1998

11) Waiting for Dick and Ed to arrive
10) Will miss "Must See t.v. '98"
9) Haven't seen Titanic yet
8) Not enough bullets in the gun to take everybody I want with me
7) My Subscription for "Cosmo" hasn't run out yet
6) More rewarding to spit in the coffee pot than slit my wrists
5) Viagara available on the street and I haven't tested it yet
4) "Charlies Angles" will be back in the fall w/ Jenny McCarthy
3) My Vote is needed in November
2) Worried years of saying "Jesus fucking Christ!" may cause problems in the afterlife
1) Yesterday's attempt was embarrassingly unsuccessful and quite messy

Top 11 Reasons Brazil Lost the World Cup

July 13, 1998

11) Rolando played like Geraldo
10) Host team priviledge
9) French plantains loaded with Prozac
8) Temperature a bitter-cold 65 degrees
7) World Cup better-scripted than WWF
6) Francois smoked all his butts in Brazilian locker room
5) Essential cocaine supply confiscated
4) Brazilians distracted by plight of rainforests back home
3) So sure they'd end up in Andes with Rugby team, they didn't practice
2) Smelly, unbathed french players given extra room by Brazilians
1) Frenchmen are more experience headballers

Top 11 Reasons OJ's Appealing The Civil Case

July 10, 1998

11) For my kids, you know, Sydney and the other one
10) $33 million is a lot of greens fees
9) If I don't, folks might start thinkin' I was guilty
8) Needs money to fund hunt for real killer, even if he has to search every golf course in the world
7) Needs money for new gloves, shoes and kitchen utensils
6) Al Cowlings wants more hush money
5) Wants to produce own film "Naked Gun Fore"
4) White Girls Ain't All That
3) Missing the trial spotlight
2) Missed Fred Goldman's birthday; want to buy something
really nice to make up for it.
1) Struggling to get buy on NFL pension of measly $25,000 a month

Top 11 Reasons Not To See Armageddon

July 8, 1998

11) You are 3 times more likely to be hit by a meteor in a movie theatre than you are walking down the street
10) Creepy to watch Liv make out as daddy sings
9) Bruce Willis already has more money than NASA
8) Demi still gets half of your ticket price
7) You saw it when it was called Deep Impact
6) You've got an arc to build
5) Ben isn't as groovy as Matt
4) Surveyed audiences showed an IQ decrease of 98% after viewing the film
3) No Beavis. No Butthead.
2) You own the Pam & Tommy video
1) Jesus says its not a realistic account of what will happen

Top 11 Incentives to Visit Ireland

July 7, 1998

11) Very low chance of running into Michael Jackson
10) Streets artfully decorated with uncontrollable blazing fires
9) Grenade confetti drifts through the streets
8) Ever slept with a redhead? One who just drank her weight in guinness?
7) Meet the orange order; they're not like the KKK or anything, we swear
6) Love that green (camoflage) beer!
5) Sheep to screw when you're hiding from the gas bombs in the barn
4) Easy to roll drunks for drinking money
3) Kick that dancing guy's ass
2) Arson attacks keep visiters physically fit
1) Nightly pissed-protestant parades

Top 11 New Band Names for the Amazing Royal Crowns

July 6, 1998

11) Amazing Royalty Crooks
10) Astounding Regal Crowns
9) The Amazing Helen Reddy
8) Alternate Royal Crowns
7) Amazingly Repulsive Crowns
6) Acrimonious Royal Pains-In-The-Ass
5) Arbitrarily Venal Clowns
4) Insane Crown Posse
3) The Guess Royal Crown Review
2) The Amazing Rolling Stones
1) The Amazing Royal Elvis

Top 11 Reasons Mike Should Win Comedy Central's Contest

July 3, 1998

11) On-air Delayed Stress Syndrome always good for a few laughs
10) Gotta hire somebody to fire that Brian Unger guy
9) He's a member of the Marilyn Manson 'family'
8) He's the guy on the Guinness bottle
7) He'll keep the kitchen clean
6) He can do more bongs than any one
5) Not enough white males on the staff
4) A chance to meet Lizzy Love
3) He'll wear boxers AND briefs
2) More handsome than Kilborn
1) Many useless degrees from major accredited universities!

Top 11 Quotes Overheard at Streisand-Brolin wedding

July 2, 1998

11) We begin with 'Here Comes the Bride's Nose' for 8 bars, then we do 'Here Comes the Bride'
10) She's not going to wear a costume from Yentl is she?
9) I hope the kids get his nose
8) Will you be sitting on the bride's good-side or the groom's good-side?
7) Let's just say, he's 'The Prince of Prenups'
6) Do you think Redford really banged her in Funny Girl?
5) James, do you take this money--er, woman to be your lawfully wedded...
4) Okay, Bride's paparazi helocopters on the left, groom's paparazi will find chairs up-front
3) You think the Bride's Maids are old, the Flower Girl just fell and broke her hip
2) I heard OJ gave Brolin a lovely 'cake' knife
1) Oh shit, she is gonna sing

Top 11 Reasons We Fired a Missile On Iraq

June 30, 1998

11) Two words: We can
10) Tired of Iraq bogarting all that great fashion
9) Revenge for World Cup embarrassment, oops Iran, ahh, same difference
8) Unnecessary use of weapons will justify a larger defense budget
7) US wanted to show UN we can bomb without Daddy's permission
6) Some gay iraqi tried to 'lock on'
5) Elementary murderers passed the torch of destruction
4) Linda Tripp rumored to be vacationing there
3) US hoping to fail at another assassination attempt
2) 4th of july premature ejaculation
1) No ski lift cables to cut in Iraq!

Top 11 Signs More Rain Is On The Way

June 19, 1998

11) The weather reports predict sun
10) Dangerfield bet 10-1 against rain and he gets no respect
9) Haven't fixed the top on the convertible
8) It's been sunny in Buffalo
7) You're taking vacation
6) You haven't cut your lawn in two weeks
5) There's 3 feet of water in the basement & the subpump's broken
4) You forgot your umbrella
3) You just christened your boat 'Sunny Days'
2) You just read Mother Nature's obituary
1) Voices in your head insist you build an arc

Top 11 Action Items on Clinton's Trip to China

June 26, 1998

11) Knock up a couple of Asian Babes
10) Chinese Fire Drill on Air Force One
9) Destroy any records of that Nixon guy
8) Examine panda mating rituals
7) Become bigamist, buddist, whatever
6) Give away, er, ah, negociate missile technology exchange
5) Save on new Nikes direct from sweat shop
4) Pose for cool spoof photo with tank in Tianamen Square
3) Sell Chelsea for lawyer's fees
2) Send Hillary for mouth, ah foot binding, yeah foot binding
1) Egg Rolls! Egg Rolls! Egg Rolls!

Top 11 reasons Demi & Bruce are breaking up

June 25, 1998

11) Bruce saw 'Striptease'
10) Viagara don't grow hair
9) A boob job can't undo white trash upbringing
8) Planet Hollywood food sucks
7) She called him "Arnold" during sex
6) Ran out of stupid names to call their kids
5) She finally saw 'Moonlighting'
4) Star lawsuit settled; now they can split the extra cash
3) Demi caught doing lines a PTA meeting
2) A long-time admirer of the president, Bruce scored an intern
1) He'd rather fuck YOUNG dumb bitches

11 Reasons a Chick would Make a Better President than a Man

June 24, 1998

11) Woman President insane only one week out of the month
10) Inaugural Boob Shots
9) Female President will stop and ask for directions
8) 1st pitch of World Series won't be as embarrassing when the President throws like a girl
7) Oval Office renamed Ovum Office
6) Male interns keep quiet, at least they did during the Bush administration
5) She won't stop nagging until congress gets stuff done
4) Woman not likely to sell missile technology to commie bastards
3) 'I got blown by the President' t-shirts now sell like hotcakes
2) She'll take 25% less in pay
1) Fear of hot flashes keep middle-eastern despots in line

Top 11 Reasons I didn't Kill Anybody at Work Today

June 23, 1998

11) Too much effort for such low forms of life
10) Some fucking idiot still has to sign my paycheck
9) Rational fear of prison
8) Didn't want to aggravate my hangnail
7) They've already wasted too much of my time
6) Marilyn Manson didn't tell me it was ok yet
5) Waiting until nanny news dies down for good coverage
4) Damn three-day waiting period
3) I already have a nipple belt
2) Shovel handle broke last night
1) Don't want the pretty vacant girls to think I'm mean

Top 11 Things Bill Gates Can't Buy
(even with $51 Billion)

June 22, 1998

11) Microsoft shares owned by Larry Ellison
10) Ginger's spot on the Spice Tour
9) A pie deflector that doesn't make him look 'hippy'
8) Official British Title Lord Gates
7) A PowerPoint presentation worth watching
6) Favors from Janet Reno
5) The moon (damn those NASA people)
4) A decent haircut
3) Bug-Free Copy of Win98
2) Silence from that Dilbert guy
1) One spec of coolness

Top 11 Things to Do with your Yen

June 19, 1998

11) Excellent for skipping on water
10) Teach your kids to juggle
9) Line birdcage
8) Buy Pesos
7) Wrap birthday gifts
6) Insulate new $4 (U.S.) Discman
5) Line flower pots
4) 0.7 cents worth of yen fills a homeless guy's cup
3) Shredded yen, a cheap, high fiber alternative to expensive rice
2) Useful for tipping at Starbucks
1) Origami, Origami, Origami!

Top 11 Reasons Republicans Killed the Tobacco Bill

June 18, 1998

11) Candy not as an effective lure for young boys
10) Minions of Satan
9) Poor people must die before they can collect social security
8) Succumbed to pressure from the Young Republicans
7) Lott needed a controversy to distract people from his remarks about homosexuals
6) The democrats planned to vote yes
5) RJR threatened to 'Starr' some junket photos to the press
4) Cigar-sucking Schwarzenneger said no & he's their only candidate for 2000
3) It can't lead to a Clinton impeachment, so why bother?
2) Discovered none of the money was going their way
1) Lott balked when noble anti-smoking legislation is encumbered by frivolous riders like school lunches

Top 11 Reasons Not to Write a List about Louise Woodward

June 17, 1998

11) She's unattractive
10) She like killed that baby
9) She saw rent almost 20 times
8) Sheckwad her lawyer
7) Louise didn't answer one of my 3,578 letters. Not one.
6) Wacko Jacko needs her to babysit while he and Joan Collins get facials
5) Ted Kennedy's taking her to the airport
4) She's a man, baby! Yeah!
3) Can't get into specifics, but here's a hint: 'Infanticide Spice'
2) It would violate our contract with Kato Kalin
1) We took a payoff from her mom

Top 11 Reasons to Give Birth on the Internet

June 16, 1998

11) Fictional film Truman Show instantly becomes fact
10) White slave market able to easily identify new products
9) Starts new trend: Take a dump online
8) Clinton can see a chick's assets without lying to congress
7) Live Action Contractions
6) Best-last-ditch effort to generate an acting career
5) Malpractice Video
4) Perfect strangers see baby before mother
3) Hair product manufacturers see placenta before they buy!
2) Baby becomes part of sex industry before sex is determined
1) Father saves cash by distributing virtual cigars

Top 11 Meaningless Business Terms June 15, 1998

11) Paradigm Shift
10) Proactive
9) Quality Assurance
8) Flextime
7) Offline
6) Team-Oriented Approach
5) Dynamic Infrastructure
4) Strategic Anything
3) Mindshare
2) Initiative
1) Billable Time

Top 11 Reason's The Doomsday Clock was Advanced Five Minutes

June 11, 1998

11) "Spring Forward, Fall Back"
10) If you moved it forward only four minutes, you wouldn't get your picture in the Dayton Picayune
9) Clinton's legal defense team wrote an outrageous check
8) Easier for nerdy atomic scientists to get laid when armagedon is just around the corner
7) Howie Mandel is getting 5 million dollars to do an afternoon talkshow
6) Eddie Vedder sang the National anthem to open the Bulls game
5) G. Gordon Liddy still lives
4) Barbie is turning 40 and still isn't married
3) Crazy Baptists
2) Luciano Pavarotti Performed With The Spice Girls
1) Springer has vowed to stop the fighting

Top 11 signs your Human Resources director has lost his mind

June 10, 1998

11) Rolling out new benefit -- personally administered enema!
10) Insists employee orientation includes chanting 'We will.. We Will Rock You' for 1/2 hour daily
9) Walks around mumbling 'Mr. Potato Head's gonna pay, damnit!'
8) Refuses to comb hair to avoid 'hurting the tennants'
7) Interviewed last 5 job candidates wearing John Wayne Gacey clown suit
6) Brags at company functions that he can eat his own weight in wood
5) Keeps standing outside ladies room clapping whenver toilet flushes
4) Wanted to hire Bryn Hartman as company drug counselor
3) Has recurring dreams involving Sarah Ferguison and lemon scented Pledge
2) Often seen tossing hundreds of pennies into wishing well saying 'Let Star Trek be real.. Let Star Trek be real..'
1) Repremands secretary for not obeying his telepathic commands

Top 11 Reason to Shoot Charlton Heston

June 9, 1998

11) 100 points for anyone who takes out Moses!
10) Thou shalt not worship false idols
9) His organs could keep Bob Hope alive for another century
8) Reunite him with lost-love Yul Brenner
7) Satan could use another henchman
6) Menendez brothers willing to take the job pro-bono
5) According to Heston, Clinton has 'too damn many bodyguards'
4) Streisand may offer bounty
3) If we don't, our kids will
2) Knives are messy
1) The Apes almost did it and we can't?!

Top 11 Reasons Lewinsky Wants Cochran

June 8, 1998

11) Ginsberg can't keep a secret as well as Vernon
10) She wants to find out if the rumor about black men is true
9) He's sure to get her off
8) Inspired by Seinfeld character
7) Johnny owes Bill for that Whitewater business
6) Hillary doesn't like him
5) She's contemplating a legal career and wants to learn from the best
4) There's no glove in this case
3) F. Lee Bailey's fat
2) Dershewitz demands daily reinactments
1) She got a good reference from Satan

Top 11 Reasons Doctor Assisted Suicide is a Good Idea

June 5, 1998

11) Bryn Hartman would have qualified as a candidate years ago
10) Eliminates the need to improve social security situation
9) Barbituates are such a nice way to go
8) Paves the way for Baldwin Brothers to seek Dr-assisted fratricide
7) Burger King can now market Cyanide-Whopper Combo
6) Killing's easy -- Malpractice insurance costs drop dramatically
5) Euthanasia sounds like a fun word - now it is!
4) Really takes pressure off family-assisted suicide
3) Reduce ambulance traffic -- kill 'em on the spot
2) Planned deaths provide time to shop around for best coffin deal
1) Kevorkian replaces Gates as world's richest geek

Top 11 Reasons There's No Hope for Civilization

June 3, 1998

11) Beanie Babies still selling like pet rocks
10) Keanu Reeves is still a working actor
9) The Real World is soon to premiere its 7th season
8) Diana, Princess of Wales has passed, GSTQ
7) Pammy & Tommy Lee aren't back together yet
6) Courtney Love is a household name
5) Bob Costas questioned Michael Jordan's ability to win
4) The Presidential Penis
3) Newt Gingrich is still an elected official
2) Middle Eastern Nuclear Flexing Contests
1) Madonna didn't name her daughter Jesus

Top 11 Reasons Clinton will not Invoke Executive Privilege

June 2, 1998

11) Hes saving up for Attorney-Client privilege
10) Figured Starrs investigation is so pathetic, hed throw him a bone
9) Hillary said he shouldnt
8) Last guy who tried it ended up dead
7) None of Bills friends are afraid of a little perjury
6) Slick Willys got other ways to delay impeachment
5) Presidential Sexploits manuscript still missing
4) Blumenthal is disposable
3) So is Lindsey
2) Confused is with an offer of sex & uncharacteristically refused
1) Ah, why bother?

Top 11 Reasons Stupid Spice Left

June 1, 1998

11) Suffering from delusions of grandeur
10) Cut a deal with Murdoch to manufacture news
9) She got a really cool new boyfriend
8) Announcement prelude to USA mini-series debut
7) Clinton called
6) Tired of being called Skanky Spice
5) Milli Vanilli producer promised a Grammy
4) Exhausted by rigorous lip-syncing schedule
3) Refuses to continue covering up for Baby Spice
2) Disagreed with Bands decision not to meet Charles Manson
1) Auditioning for role of Ginger in Return to Gilligans Island

Memorial Top 11: Characters played by Phil Hartman

May 28, 1998

11) Gene, The Anal-Retentive Chef
10) Troy MacClure
9) Bill MacNeil
8) Ed McMahon
7) Ted Kennedy
6) Jimmy Swaggart
5) Mikhail Gorbachev
4) Jack Nicholson
3) Frank Sinatra
2) Captain Carl in Pee-Wee's Playhouse
1) The Colon Blow Endorsement Guy

Reasons Ken Starr Demanded Handwriting Samples & Fingerprints from Monica Lewinsky

May 27, 1998

11) Linda Tripp is witholding sex until he proves bondage mask prints are not Monica's
10) He's hoping to confirm that his secret admirer is Monica
9) Starr's jailbird sister looking for companionship
8) Shits & Giggles
7) Demands pave the way for future requests of other 'samples'
6) He has all the photographs and audiotape he needs in a makeshift altar in his attic
5) Power Tripp
4) He needs to match the handwriting on rocks thrown through his living room window
3) Grand Jury turned down his request for stool samples
2) He's planning to dust the first winkie for prints
1) Because he can

Top 11 technologies Given to the Chinese

May 26, 1998

11) Techno-Antacid, eliminates guilt arising from the murder
10) Lillipution Pill (confused with Viagra)
9) Nuclear Weapon Detonation Codes
8) Bill Clinton's Little Black Book
7) Leonardo DiCaprio's true sexual orientation
6) Location of Area 51, Hangar 17
5) Secret Space Station Coordinates
4) Time Machine Technology
3) Accidently created clones of Mao, Stalin & Mussolini
2) X-Files Movie Script
1) Tibet

Top 11 Demands for Peace in Ireland

May 22, 1998

11) Queen Elizabeth must wear only shamrocks to state events
10) Sinn Fain leaders get to keep their guns & ammo
9) Blarney Stone stays where it is, damnit
8) Jamieson fruit roll-ups
7) Brad Pitt can never play the role of an Irishman again
6) Introduction of Irish Monarchy; Bono is King
5) Creation of Irish sweater museums in every major city
4) Cotton
3) 40 sheep & a shalalee
2) Potatoes!
1) Guiness tapwater

Top 11 Reasons You Didn't Win Powerball

May 21, 1998

11) Ken Starr threatened impeachment if you got the cash
10) Powerball doesn't accept Mass Millions tickets
9) You publish Whatever and nothing good ever happens to you
8) A misdirected satellite sent your winning quickpic to Wisconsin
7) Your name is George Michael and you're toobusy staking out new toilets
6) You're a spice girl and have way bad karma for being such a fraud
5) God is still punishing you for that joke about Jesus waering a bra
4) You used up all your good luck surviving elementary school shootings
3) Duh, the lottery's fixed; give it up already
2) You have teeth
1) You aint got no dolla!

Top 11 Reasons the Satellite got Messed up

May 20, 1998

11) Sinatra "Death-betting" calls overwhelmed the satellite
10) Spice channel requests overloaded the system
9) More incidents of Alien Joyriding
8) Masters of Downloading played it like a videogame
7) Satellite Commandeered by Chinese campaign contributors
6) Used to capture Jerry Springer sex video, still looking away in horror
5) Comprehensive Clinton surveillance now includes Clones
4) CIA needed scapegoat for failure to anticipate India's Nuclear tests
3) Hit a squirrel at 30,000 miles an hour
2) Tired of the Hubble telescope getting all the attention
1) NASA just installed Windows 98

Top 11 Demands Made in Suits Against Microsoft

May 19, 1998

11) Gates must wear a propellor beenie at all public appearances
10) Gates must give away a billion everytime Turner does
9) No more cheesy cover tunes in ads
8) OS/2 Explorer must be shipped with Win98
7) MSNBC must show CNN & Netscape commercials at least 3 times daily
6) Gates must give up his obnoxious house
5) Gates must throw a pie in his own face
4) Java can only be heated with Sun
3) Microsoft must cease calling their rival Buttscape
2) Dell can no longer blow Microsoft in public
1) A computer on every desktop

Top 11 Last Words Spoken by Frank Sinatra

May 15, 1998

11) That guy with the money never said nothing about my soul
10) I confess, I was the one on the grassy knoll
9) Come Die With Me
8) Jimmy Hoffa is alive and well in...
7) All My Tomorrows (are over)
6) I was the first to get colored contacts
5) Where's the light, where's the light?
4) What's my name again?
3) Embalm Me, My Sweet Embalmable, You
2) Where's the teleprompter?
1) Dean, Sam, I'm on my way!

Top 11 Reasons Not to Watch the Seinfeld Finale

May 14, 1998

11) If he's staying in the closet I'm staying with Ellen!
10) There's a meal to be cooked in the shower
9) You're Shoshanna Lonstein and you've moved on
8) You're Tim Allen and Seinfeld's success drives you to drink
7) You're Puerto Rican and they burna da flag
6) You sell soup and don't appreciate being called a Nazi
5) You're getting the Spice Channel free
4) You prefer Wayne Knight in sexier roles
3) You've heard that the last episode isn't sponge worthy
2) You are not Master of your Domain, and therefore have other plans
1) The show's about nothing

Top 11 Reasons India Executed Nuclear Tests

May 13, 1998

11) We no want Seinfeld go off air
10) Nuclear Plant controls in Springfield, U.S.A. 'DOH'
9) Found film, Broken Arrow, 'Very Inspirational'
8) Exercising new sewage disposal initiative
7) Tired of losing 'Chinese Checkers'
6) Hoping to piss off Pakistan
5) Fireworks display in honor of Mother Theresa
4) They're searching for food
3) Hindu experiment in express reincarnation
2) Displeased by Paige/PuffDaddy version of Kashmir
1) There's more to life than running a 7-11

Top 13 Documentaries about the Dangers of Viagra

May 12, 1998

13) The Longest Day
12) Hard Rain
11) Hard Day's Night
10) Hard to Kill
9) Little Big Man
8) Dead Bang
7) The Rock
6) Falling Down
5) Die Hard
4) The Harder They Come
3) You Can't Take It With You
2) Dr. Strangelove
1) Scared Straight

Top 11 Reasons Stamps are Going Up in Price

May 11, 1998

11) Clinton's keeping incoming loveletters to a minimum
10) Jonesboro internship required thousands in damage control
9) Employees demand kevlar uniforms
8) USPS lost big money forwarding Heaven's Gate correspondence
7) Print version of WWW.USPS.GOV not selling as well as hoped
6) Ken Starr's got his face in everyone's business
5) Those self-sticking stamps cost a buttload
4) Stamp Collectors are losers and can be exploited
3) FedEx is kicking their pasty-white asses
2) Berkowitz memorial fund hasn't received any contributions
1) Newman needs a raise since he lost his other job

Top 11 things Dumber than Indiana Congressman Dan Burton

May 6, 1998

11) A Sledgehammer
10) Caffeine-free coffee
9) Dan Burton's wife
8) The Indianians who elected him
7) That new MTV VJ
6) Hiring Michael Jackson as an au pair for your infant son
5) A mime on the radio
4) Soliciting a Haitian, hemophiliac male prostitute at a heroin convention
3) Newt Gingrich's image consultant
2) A mesh condom
1) There aren't more than 10; he's really, really dumb

Top 11 Kaczynsky Quotable Quotes

May 5, 1998

11) The FBI will never find this shack
10) I'm not schizophrenic. Neither am I. Neither am ...
9) Stop complaining, my packages never get lost
8) If I had a computer, this manifesto wouldn't take so long
7) I should have gone to law school
6) No I will not sign for this!
5) Rule #7998: No return address!
4) I only bought McVeigh a little fertalizer
3) Merry Christmas, Hope you get maimed
2) Hammers are for pussies, gunpowder rules
1) My brother's a dick

Top 11 Edits in Hubbell Tapes

May 4, 1998

11) Mrs. Hubbell's lurid description of sex with Ken Starr
10) Webb's choice gossip that hookers call Newt 'ball-less wonder'
9) Alzheimers: well-used tactic to avoid prosecution
8) Webster Hubbell's detailed confession of sex with Dan Burton
7) First Lady genetically linked to Mother Theresa
6) Arlen Spector actually responsible for meteoric rise of South Park
5) George & Barbara Bush swapped names & gender
4) Trent Lott was born in Roswell, New Mexico
3) Jack Kemp regularly blows gravity bongs
2) Jesse Helms is a hermaphrodite
1) Soap-on-a-rope-aint-no-joke!

Top 11 lines from the new movie Jane Austen Powers

April 29, 1998

11) You know, I have one simple request and that is to have sharks with FRICKIN' laser beams attached to their heads. Now, evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Now can you people remind me what I pay you for, c'mon honestly. Throw me a bone here! (from the 'cancelled' chapters of Austen's Persuasion)
10) Emma's a man, Baby!
9) Gowland's Lotion?! That sort of stuff ain't my bag, baby
8) Do I make you amorous, baby, do I?
7) The 1790's are sooo uptight, love. Join us in a groovier time. No squares, please.
6) That's LORD Henry Crawford, my family hasn't exploited peasants for 400 years so that I could be called 'MISTER Crawford.'
4) Yeah, Bronte! Yeah!
3) Danger is my middle name, baby: Jane Danger Austen.
2) Ooooh. Be-have Lady Susan. Be-have.
1) Shall we have a little Pride now, or Prejudice later?

Top 11 Issues Surrounding in McDonalds Heist/Hostage Crisis April 28, 1998

11) Kenneth Starr has linked the President to the crime and supoenaed several of the hostages
10) Another Suspect: unemployed Ayatolla looking to relive glory days
9) Presence of O.J. indicates new attempt to shore up alibi
8) Suspects may have been preparing for a spot on the Jerry Springer Show
7) Andrew Grove desperate for cash to defend Intel from anti-trust lawsuits
6) Dave Thomas refused to comment on 'Wendy's Competition Infiltration Guide' found at scene
5) Due to recent elementary events, anyone under 10 is a suspect
4) C. Thomas Howell finally reached his highly-anticipated career low
3) Did Linda McCartney, appalled by the McRib, make one last request?
2) Possible inside job: prime suspect, Hamburgler
1) Suspect escaped with "Get out of jail free" cards
from Monopoly promotion and will be impossible to prosecute

Top 11 Reasons for School-Aged Sniper Surge

April 27, 1998

11) Flintstones fortified with Iron
10) Too many kids playing post office
9) GAP introduction of Kevlar bell-bottoms
8) The V-chip
7) New lighter, ceramic gunstocks enable younger assassins to enter this rewarding field
6) Prospects of war bleak
5) Scared straight program with James Earl Ray backfires
4) CIA Kids Website
3) Mc22s with every Happy Meal
2) New generation of obese adolescents make large, slow moving targets
1) Career Day with Jack Kevorkian

Top 11 Reasons James Earl Ray is Dead

April 24, 1998

11) South Park crew cursed him with cancer
10) Raoul is really Janet Reno
9) Pulled a Foster to avoid questions from Starr
8) Didn't want affair with James Carvell to become public
7) Not dead, just reclassified
6) Stress from repeated visits by FBI agents who gave him the prison nickname 'Loose End'
5) Despirited by unfullfilled promises of White Supremacist Revolution
4) Smoked cellmate Sirhan Sirhan's last Lucky
3) Found out who Cartman's father was, and could die in peace
2) Reinvestigation of King assasination hastens his scheduled departure date
1) Decided to get a pardon from King himself

Top 11 Reasons Paul Killed Linda

April 23, 1998

11) Tired of waiting for the Eastman Kodak fortune
10) Didn't still need her, wouldn't still feed her when she turned sixty-four
9) She said, I know what it's like to be dead, so we killed her
8) Linda in the Sky with Dopamine
7) He got sick of carrots and broccoli
6) She threatened to sing on the big comeback album
5) Realized Yoko was right
4) Courtney insisted
3) Discovered Ringo's underwear in Linda's purse
2) George Michael's finally out
1) She lost all her hair

Top 11 Reasons Milnet was Hacked by MOD

April 22, 1998

11) MOD needed satellite information to confirm Rosie O'Donell's head is indeed visible from space
10) Ascertaining exact location of Area 51
9) Intended target Disney confusingly similar to Defense Information Systems Network (DISN)
8) Secret Leader Kenneth Starr insisted
7) Wanted Lewinsky's private number
6) Looking for CIA drug stash
5) Information = Cash = Moula = Hummers-All-Day-Everyday
4) Looking for contraband info about that final Seinfeld episode
3) It's time the IRS got audited
2) Tired of waiting for pussy marines to take out Hussein
1) Said hacking was 'better than a hand-job from George Michael'

Top 11 Preparations for Earth Day

April 21, 1998

11) Bake a plutonium pie
10) Get a blood transfusion from Courtney Love
9) Clone Karen Silkwood
8) Torch those recycleables
7) Eat many beans - methane is cool
6) Dump Medical waste into ocean
5) Gather litter for space launch
4) Deploy Anthrax
3) Create nuclear fireworks
2) Plan Concert at 3-mile Island
1) Drive To Chernobyl and pick up some souveniers

Top 11 Things about Linda McCartney We'll Miss

April 20, 1998

11) Those model good looks
10) That mellifluous voice
9) Improved Race Relations post-Say, Say, Say
8) That Tamborine
7) First-Husband stories
6) Duh, Wings
5) The Paul & Linda Remixes
4) Yoko comparisons
3) Homegrown Veggie Schwag Weed
2) That Sweet Rack
1) Gloating about how great her marriage is

Top 11 Cool Places to Die

April 17, 1998

11) On a Toilet at Graceland
10) Hanging from a rope in Australia
9) With a belly full-of-pills in Germany
8) In a Mercedes in Paris
7) In Larry Flynt's Bathtub
6) Chris Farley's Apartment
5) Texas Prison
4) On Coppola's Movie set
3) In the Gutter of India
2) Punk Rock's Heaven, the Connecticut Suburbs
1) Kathy Lee Gifford's Sweatshop

Top 11 Means of Discarding of Pol Pot's body

April 16, 1998

11) Cremation, remains placed in Pol Pot pot
10) Burial, remains placed in Pol Pot plot
9) Cook & Feed him to starving Cambodian Refugees
8) Use him for spare parts on Mir Space Station
7) Pot Roast
6) Fertilize the Killing Fields
5) Let him rot
4) Plasticize for use as post in Yankee Stadium
3) There's always Necrophilia -- F*ck him
2) Dress him up for use in Marilyn Manson videos
1) Buy a Hooka and Smoke that Pot

Top 11 Celebrity Tax write-Offs

April 15, 1998

11) Tommy Lee's Swastika Tattoo Removal
10) Marc Walburg's Ron Jeremy Interview Expenses
9) Leonardo DiCaprio's Butt Plugs
8) Linda Tripp's Recording Accessories
7) Courtney Love's 'Knitting' Needles
6) Kate Winslet's Body Shaping Liposuction
5) Mathew Perry's Betty Ford 'Vacation'
4) George Michael's Subscription to OUT
3) Ken Starr's Lobotomy
2) Bill Gates' Pie Avoidance Training
1) Bill Clinton's Boner-for-Intern Supression Training

Top 11 Reasons for Protests against Gay Cruise Ships in the Bahamas

April 14, 1998

11) Attempt to get Pope to visit
10) Native men demand right to bend over without fear of penetration
9) Casting off takes on whole new meaning
8) Gays can't be married and don't pay for pricey honeymoon suites
7) Lesbians don't buy carpets, they munch their own
6) No cabin boy for miles around wants to work this ship
5) Homosexual males demand duty-free lube in international waters
4) Bahamaians still don't understand you can't get AIDS from just watching
3) They've got their own version of skin diving
2) Male residents want more than visiting hurricanes to blow them
1) Cleaning out the all-male hot tub is such a bitch

Top 11 Items Found at White House Easter Egg Hunt

April 13, 1998

11) More Whitewater documents
10) Newt's FBI file
9) Signed abortion bill
8) Chelsea's first maxi
7) 'Chocolate' Buddy Eggs
6) Shell Casings
5) Presidential pubic hairs
4) Monica's kneepads
3) Used Condoms
2) Chelsea's case of Clearasil
1) Marijuana marked 'Not for Inhalation

Top 11 Words Out of George Michael's Mouth Before He Got Busted

April 10, 1998

11) I'm such a father figure
10) It's not like its illegal or anything
9) Wake him up, before I go go
8) I love my ass
7) PeeWeePeeWeePeeWee
6) Wouldn't you know, no paper
5) I want my sex
4) Eltooonnnnnnnnnnnnnn
3) Honey, is that you?
2) Ohhhhhhahhhhhhhohhhhhhh
1) Wham!

Top 11 Items on Clinton's Discover Card Bill

April 9, 1998

11) Beret
10) Canine Sex Change (for Buddy)
9) Paternity Test
8) $300 lunch at McDonald's
7) Cell phone transmission scrambler
6) Corrective underpants
5) Hit on McDougal (Mafia won't take American Express)
4) FBI File Shredder
3) Penicillin (Can you say syphilis?)
2) Clinical Procedure, Planned Parenthood
1) 1-900-H-O-O-T-E-R-S

Top 11 Reasons Tobacco Companies Won't Settle

April 8, 1998

11) Morton Downey Jr's still got one lung
10) As long as children are born with hideous pink lungs tobacco company executives will not sleep
9) Need to retain capital to explore
alternative markets like 'Cigarbucks'
8) Sales to a billion Chinese adolescents will offset any U.S. jury awards
7) Hoping Jesse Helms will run in 2000
6) Kiddie Literacy declines with the elimination of No Smoking signs
5) Farm Aid alone can't support the tobacco growers
4) AMA needs something to bitch about
3) Dumped Ken Starr and hired Clinton's lawyer
2) 'Bic needs us!'
1) If they stall a few years, all the plaintiffs will be dead

Top 11 Reasons to Kill Your Co-Worker

April 7, 1998

11) That incessant typing!
10) Raise percentage bound to increase
9) Time off & 3 squares a day
8) Recruiting bonus for replacing the dead weight
7) Get rid of the competition, albeit weak
6) Stop those persistent sexual harrassment suits
5) Internet connection down - you're bored
4) Bastards' got a choice parking spot
3) You do his/her job anyway
2) Idiocy is not a job description
1) Easier than sleeping your way to the top

Top 11 Post-Prison Careers for the Jonesboro Boys

April 6, 1998

11) Mayor - Ruby Ridge, Montana
10) Poster-Child - NRA
9) Christmas Rush Supervisor - US Postal Service
8) Speaker of the House - US Government
7) Regular Guest - Geraldo
6) Intern - Soldier of Fortune
5) Second Coming - Waco, Texas
4) Personal Assistant - G. Gordon Liddy
3) Late-Term Abortion Clinician - Planned Parenthood
2) Juiceman - Florida's Death Row
1) Anti-Christ - Bringer of Armageddon

Top 11 Suspects in Hamas Master Bomber Murder

April 3, 1998

11) Arafat - crafty attempt to frame Netanyahu
10) Jerry Springer - great video for 'when bombers get bombed' episode
9) James Earl Ray - confession currently being evaluated
8) O.J. - he's got free time
7) If the master-bomber is Krychek, the murderer must be Mulder
6) Ted Kaszinsky - Master Bomber was technologically advanced
5) Bruce Willis - he's such a wannabe
4) Geraldo - will confess on-air to make up for Capone Vault fiasco
3) Billy Crystal - notoriously angry, militant jew
2) Clinton - absolved of one crime; compelled to commit another
1) Anyone six degrees from Kevin Bacon

Top 11 Reasons Jones Suit was Dismissed

April 2, 1998

11) April Fool's joke by mirthful judge
10) Judge felt bad for homely young Chelsea and gave Dad a break
9) Clinton's doing the judge
8) Jonestown, Jonesboro...these people are poison & must be stopped!
7) Did you see Paula in Penthouse? Ewwweghh!
6) Hillary wrote a modest check
5) Clinton compromised & sent Secretary's Day Flowers
4) Tobacco whore Kenneth Starr needed lesson in truly frivolous lawsuits
3) Lewinsky persuasively testified the presidential penis is not bent
2) The nose (I mean c'mon)
1) Duh, you don't indict the president for grabbing some whore's tits

Top 11 Signs You're Losing It

April 1, 1998

11) You went to a hotdog stand and ordered a dildo
10) You saw Titanic to get vacation ideas
9) You're psyched Tommy Lee is available again
8) You thought the Spice Girls' CD was 'really innovative'
7) You've decided to stop using the toilet and start buying Depends
6) You actually bought a Abdominizer
5) You decide Jonesboro Elementary might be a nice place to teach
4) You keep muttering to yourself, 'Mr. Potato Head's gonna pay, damnit'
3) You think mainlining is a good way to improve your metabolism

2) You walk around with dogshit in your hands saying, 'Look what I almost stepped in!'
1) You ran through Penn Station covered in cheezewhiz yelling 'Lick Big Daddy!'

Top 11 Side Effects of New Impotence Drug

March 31, 1998

11) Moderate Shrinkage
10) $10 a pill may cause severe financial hardship
9) Sterility
8) Random hairloss
7) Temporary blindness when erect
6) Slight discoloration of affected area
5) Minor penal bleeding
4) Homosexual urges
3) Scrotum Elephantitus
2) Aroma of exhaust & urine
1) Breasts

Top 11 Reasons The Black Widow Got Fried

March 30, 1998

11) 'I would have found myself guilty if I were the jury,' she said
10) No one was patient enough to bake her
9) She was giving spiders a bad name
8) Once you off a high-profile white woman, you can clean out all minorities
7) Humane killing in Florida went out with Versace
6) Remaining children anxious to collect on life insurance
5) Arsenic is not a good welcome-home beverage for a Vietnam Vet
4) Killing a cripple in a canoe is just bad sportsmanship
3) A car bomb is not a nice way to say good morning to your fiance
2) Jesus is impatient to send her to hell
1) You Idiot! I said switch her with Paula Jones!

Top 11 Quotes from the Jonesboro Boys

March 27, 1998

11) Killing's my business and business is good
10) Grandad would be proud
9) How'd they find us, we were wearing Camo's?
8) Kill em all - let god sort them out
7) I want to be a Postal Employee someday
6) Extra points for the pregnant teacher!
5) Lock & Load
4) Thank god Mom picked up extra bullets
3) Dump Me? I'll show you DUMPED!
2) FIRE!!!!
1) I got a lot of killing to do

Top 11 Reasons DiCaprio Skipped the Oscars

March 26, 1998

11) Won a dream date with Fabio
10) Would have kept him out past his bedtime
9) Ashamed of The Man in the Iron Mask
8) He's bitter
7) He had SATs scheduled for the next morning
6) He's petty
5) Skinny boy still thawing out
4) Busy scrounging up money for Cameron's next billion dollar budget
3) Method actor staying in character: dead
2) Winslet needed an extra chair
1) Went back to his old elementary school with a gun

Top 11 Clinton Discoveries in Africa

March 25, 1998

11) Long way between McDonalds
10) Nice to be popular with the media
9) Gifts for Monica are a bargain
8) Rwanda is not a chick whose hot for him
7) Multiple wives thing seems to work out okay
6) A babe with a bone in her nose gives him a stiffy
5) Women in Ghana are literally dying to meet him
4) Topless pigmy chicks will blow you without asking for a job
3) Easy to get those ivory dildoes Hillary likes so much
2) Trip to the 'bush' wasn't what he expected
1) No wonder rhinos are endangered...They're delicious!

Top 11 Rude Comments from Oscar Night

March 24, 1998

11) Couldn't Baldwin have shaved?
10) At least Courtney's blessedly absent
9) Aren't Matt & Ben violating curfew?
8) Celine Dion blows donkey-butt
7) No, Dustin, another shot won't help you grow
6) Sans nappy hair, Bolton's still insipid
5) Minnie, everyone knows he dumped you because you're fat
4) Helen only won so those european bitches wouldn't
3) Crystal keeps trying to hump Nicholson
2) Somebody go pityf*ck Burt already
1) Hey Ashley, nice pubes!

Top 11 Reasons Turner Doesn't Want Murdoch to Buy the Dodgers

March 23, 1998

11) Doesn't want Dodger Players making as much as he does
10) Braves owner hates copycats
9) When Baseball Players Attack II
8) International broadcasts will steal vital ratings from WCW
7) Carrying that America's Cup grudge a little too far
6) Braves games replaced with All-Melrose-All-The-Time
5) Afraid Murdoch will try to buy Los Angeles next
4) When there's a team in place, cloning can begin
3) Jealous Murdoch's too smart to blow a billion on the UN
2) Hates Astralian beer, vegemite & that crocodile guy
1) Still pissed Murdock tried to grab Jane's ass

Top 11 Reasons Rupert Murdoch Wants to Buy the Dodgers

March 20, 1998

11) Plans to raze Dodger Stadium, regrade and build a doghouse for his Blue Healer 'Dingo'
10) He's buying everything and he's up to the Ds
9) Part of 5 year plan to make cricket the national sport
8) Lakers owners wouldn't sell when they discovered Murdoch's plan to become a cheerleader
7) Wants to give a modest birthday present to X-files creator
6) Dodger jet will make excellent mule
5) Melrose Barbeques at Dodger Stadium
4) Now that slavery is over, it's the only legitimate way to "own" people
3) $350 million burns a whole in your pocket damn quick!
2) Team purchase just a ruse to exploit trendy Californias with overpriced Australian exports like Fosters and Vegamite.
1) Wants to connect himself with any sport that has a 'ball boy.'

Top 11 Reasons Leonardo DiCaprio is Taking a Year Off

March 19, 1998

11) Wants to finish 6th grade before commiting to acting full time
10) Practicing to audition for role of Batgirl
9) Needs time to get ready for Growing Pains reunion
8) Implementing penis enhancement surgeries after Playgirl expose
7) Satan collecting early on soul/success exchange
6) Accepted position as David Geffen's 'Handler'
5) Faking his own death to create Morrison-esque mystique
4) Wants to spend some quality time with his money
3) Tired of being confused with Gwyneth Paltrow
2) Growing pubic hair requires his full attention
1) Embarking on whirlwind romance with Keanu Reeves

Top 11 Reasons Gas Prices are Down

March 18, 1998

11) Beached blue whale keeps Rhode Islanders filled'up
10) Navy cut costs to finance Tailhook '98
9) Monica's taking fewer late night trips to the whitehouse
8) Christian Slater isn't allowed too use his petroleum gel hair products in jail
7) Members of OPEC swapped cheap oil for Pam & Tommy video
6) Boris Yeltson confused about real meaning of Maltov Cocktail
5) Farley remains processed into 400,000 barrels of crude
4) Free blowjob with fill-up keeps Clinton coming back all day
3) Courtney Love stopped gas-huffing
2) Papparazzi hit-and-runs down since Diana fiasco
1) Bill Gates likes it that way

Top 12 New Career Options for Monica Lewinsky

March 17, 1998

11) Head Nurse
10) Quality Control Inspector for Oscar Meyer
9) Boogie Nights II Casting Director
8) White House Tour Guide
8) 'Got Milk' Model
7) Sexual Advisor to Hillary Clinton
6) FBI informant: Mistress Protection Program
5) Melrose Place Castmember
4) Republican Party Mascot
3) Sword-Swallower
2) Spokeswoman for Listerine
1) Deposit Receptacle for Sperm Bank

Top 11 Reasons Katherine Willey Lied On 60 Minutes

March 16, 1998

11) That Ed Bradley guy's got a big bank account and he's cute too!
10) Jealous of all the attention Monica keeps getting.
9) She was trying to get a job as a spokesperson for Microsoft.
8) Only way to stop Newt's incessant calling.
7) Did you see those wrinkles! Who would believe anyone ELSE would hit on her?
6) Bill told her to lie now she just can't stop.
5) Wants to ride on the Quayle 2000 bandwagon.
4) She doesn't want to end up like Jim McDougal, if you know what I mean.
3) Ka-ching!
2) Ka-ching!
1) Ka-ching!

Top 11 Alibis Culled from the Testimony of Sgt. Maj. Gene McKinney in his Sexual Harrassment Trial

March 13, 1998

11) Assumed protection under 'Don't ask don't tell' clause
10) Claims lascivious aliens assumed his form and harrassed women
9) Says he was at a strip club
8) Says he was with Monica Lewinsky at the time
7) Says he was killing Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman at the time
6) Says he was applying for a job at Astra at the time
5) Says he was with JonBenet Ramsey at the time
4) Says Dave Meggett will vouch for his whereabouts
3) Says he was watching pornos with Clarence Thomas when incidents allegedly took place
2) Says he was in an apartment with Marv Albert and an unidentified woman at the time
1) Says, 'I didn't hit on her, that chick's a lesbian!'

Top 11 Reasons the Mile-Wide Asteroid Should hit Earth

March 12, 1998

11) 20 mile crater great new tourist attraction
10) Baywatch out of business when dust obliterates sun
9) More doomsday cult departures
8) Atari owners rule the planet
7) At a mile wide, it's just big enough to get Limbaugh
6) One man's cataclysm is another man's surf
5) An aging Will Smith makes a heroic return to America's consciousness
4) Excellent opportunity to rape & pillage
3) SNL finally punished for firing Norm McDonald
2) Makes Titanic look like an accident in the bathtub
1) Vibrating hotel beds require no quarters

Top 11 Recommendations for Expectant Mom Jodie Foster

March 11, 1998

11) Borrow Hannible's muzzle; excellent weening device
10) Au Pair Louise Woodward needs a job
9) Conception should be a contact sport
8) Would-be presidential assassins don't necessarily make bad dads
7) Don't ask Michael Jackson to baby-sit
6) Heche's cheating & Ellen wants kids
5) Get pedigree papers from the bitch who knocked you up!
4) Teach the little boy he can't put his finger in a dyke
3) Sandra Bernhardt available as father-figure
2) At birthday parties, only the kids should "ride" the pony
1) Turkey basters are for turkeys too!

Top 11 Signs You Shouldn't Bother Going to Work

March 10, 1998

11) You sell 'El Nino's Bullcrap' T-shirts
10) Boss sleeps more at work than you do at home
9) You're a British Au Pair
8) Company is rolling out Lewinsky Lingerie
7) No more free beer
6) Co-workers refer to you as 'Clueless'
5) Boss keeps telling you how great the new diapers fit
4) Co-workers often ask 'Shouldn't you be on disability?'
3) Attleboro Gas Company parked outside the office
2) Paychecks bounce like superballs
1) You work at the Connecticut Lottery

Top 11 Oddities noted by Jim McDougal's Coroner

March 9, 1998

11) McDougal's last visitor was Ms. Lewinsky, and she aparently had a stroke or two herself...
10) Still can't keep his mouth shut.
9) McDougal really a curvacious brunette, living as man to improve credibility in legal battles with Clinton
8) Ass tatoo says 'Jim+Ken, TLA'
7) Even in death, he leaks like a burlap colostomy bag.
6) Actual cause of death: sodium pentathol overdose, Starr is prime suspect.
5) 'Trace amounts of arsenic, cyanide, plutonium, DDT and anthrax... probably nothing.'
4) For those who speak latin, a bad case of 'incent-vay oster-fay'
3) Missing penis indicates Heaven's Gate affiliation
2) X-ray reveals microchip at base of neck, nosy pair from FBI act like it's a big deal
1) He's not really dead, he got 'special parole'

Top 11 Reasons Dell is Microsoft's Bitch

March 6, 1998

11)Dell's betting Microsoft will run social security in the next century
10) Dell's still pissed at Jobs for stealing that superbowl commercial idea
9) Gates promising Dell a piece of SKG
8) Dell's nickname for Bill: 'Intern-al Explorer'
7) Gates still has that video Dell made with Pamela Lee
6) Gates-Dell '00
5) Insider Trading is cool
4) Despite Presidential support, Lewinsky's OS had too many bugs
3) Gates/Dell euphemism for sex: 'Bundling Software'
2) Buttscape Navigator too large and powerful
1) HTML stands for Hypersex'd Tycoon Man-Love

Top 11 Reasons Pamela Threw out Tommy Lee

March 5, 1998

11) Motley Brew.
10) Tommy wanted anal, so she arranged some jail-time for him.
9) Nostalgic for Brett's bone.
8) She does whatever Hasslehoff tells her.
7) Tommy neglecting family: he used to hold both kids while he beat her.
6) Drum sticks are not sex toys.
5) That George Clooney's really cute!
4) His idea for her to quit Baywatch, do Barb Wire, etc...
3) Tommy Lee's bail was $1 million and that's like a week's work.
2) She thinks Lee Press-On Nails are irreplacable.
1) Jealous that everyone was talking about Tommy after the video release!

Top Eleven things overhead during Bill Gates' Senate Visit.

March 4, 1998

11) 'Why isn't parker brothers here if everyone's so pissed about Monopoly?'
10) 'If I even see a pie, it's your ass!'
9) 'Now I know why you named the company Microsoft, but I still have to charge you $50'
8) 'It's 'Windows', not 'Winders', Senator Helms'
7) 'Tell that paige to get out of Mr. Gates chair -- Ooops, excuse me Mr. Gates!'
6) 'No, Senator Kerry, I was not in Vietnam, but I did fend off space invaders for years.'
5) 'I want Reno out or you're all off the payroll!'
4) 'Can you see the 666 in this light?'
3) 'How much if I only want to buy 51 senators?'
2) 'Stop touching me Newt!'
1) 'Greetings members of the Senate, I have a list of the websites you most often visit...'

top 11 Reasons to have a Gay Boy Scout Leader

March 3, 1998

11) Versace Uniforms
10) Neckerchief replaced by pearl necklace
9) Guest Speakers from Judas Priest
8) Now little old men get helped to cross the street
7) Raising the Tent all the more meaningful!
6) Fecal Scouts!
5) 'Be prepared' a motto of life & death
4) Animal husbandry merit badge includes unit on gerbil rearing
3) Boy scouts start their own cookie line (all cream filled!)
2) Merit Broaches require no sewing
1) Three Finger Salute now refers to anal elasticity

Top 12 reasons Courtney Love doesn't want you to see Kurt and Courtney.

March 2, 1998

12) Working on own documentary entitled Courtney and Kurt.
11) She can't stand to be reminded that she didn't get paid for her part.
10) Kurt faked his death to join Hanson.
9) Role in Larry Flint film radicalized her against the First Ammendment.
8) Best publicity money can buy!
7) Objects to soundtrack by Celine Dion.
6) Love's calls to Claus von Bulow sought only investment advice.
5) Film has been rated "R" and a girl has her reputation to consider.
4) Erroneous suggestion that the couple used clean needles corrupts integrity of story!
3) Documentary neglected to show Courtney's dad giving her acid.
2) Film suggests that the couple had sex before marriage.
1) Hit-man's claim of $50k offer grossly exaggerated...More like $25k.

Top 11 Meanings of "Soy Bomb"

February 27, 1998

11) Rejected member of Boys II Men
10) The Hanson Hairstyle
9) Hostile Message from Chinese-Americans who weren't nominated
8) Vernon Jordan's CB handle
7) NBC's sly attempt to test-market programming to replace Seinfeld
6) The name by which Nostradamus refers to President Clinton
5) Inspired "I Believe I Can Fly"
4) Fiona Apple's boyfriend
3) Commentary on Kelsey Grammer's physique
2) Misinterpreted Dylan Lyrics
1) Barbara Streisand's "Flu"

Top 13 reasons Nike will fire 1500 employees

February 26, 1998

13) Emelda Marcos now buying only addidas.
12) Junior high school phenoms demand more lucrative contracts.
11) Phil Knight needed a couple of extra bucks to move up a spot on the Forbes list.
10) 3-D revolving-swoosh development extremely expensive.
9) Reebok CEO hit and hush money still a drain on liquidity.
8) Timberland gobbling up Nike's mainstay: urban gang marketshare.
7) Nagano-NewYork daily shuttle not as successful as originally planned.
6) Had to offset 1% cost of living increase in Michael Jordan's contract.
5) Large gift in name of Tiger Woods made to Stanford, his alma mater, if he had graduated.
4) Had to come up with bail money for spokesmen Dennis Rodman, Charles Barkley...
3) Have you ever tried to get caviar in Beaverton?!
2) Environmentally conscious Asian workforce demands cloth diapers!
1) Sales of Nike's Cult shoe dropped off unexpectedly.

Top 13 Euphemisms for Fellatio as entered in President Clinton's Filofax.

February 23, 2998

13) Chewing out the "vice" president.
12) Entertaining oral arguments.
11) Spit-Shining the Washington Monument.
10) Teaching Buddy to "shake."
9) Consulting the little Chief of "Staff."
8) "Arming" the Patriot Missile.
7) "Overseeing" Intern Orientation.
6) Attending Health and Human Services De-briefing.
5) Giving Newt a tongue-lashing.
4) Exercising Pocket Veto.
3) Inspecting Executive Branch.
2) Dictation.
1) Asserting Executive Priviledge.

Top 12 secrets revealed on the new First Ladies website.

February 24, 1998

12) Rosilyn only true "first lady."
11) The "Secret Service" is worth every penny.
10) Four out of five first ladies recommend Frank Sinatra.
9) Cleaning staff still finding wads of tissue paper from the Nixon administration.
8) Early cloning attempt from George Washington hair cells goes horribly wrong resulting in Barbara Bush.
7) Secret ingredient in Dolly Madison ice cream: Real bits of Dolly!
6) 1-900-H-I-L-L-A-R-Y seldom busy.
5) Elenor Roosevelt no longer on speaking terms Hillary.
4) Jackie joined "Mile-High Club" with Johnson on flight home from Dallas.
3) White House originally named Whore House.
2) Film Sid and Nancy based on early life of the Reagans.
1) Pat Nixon only American Nixon didn't screw while in office.

Top 12 Negotiating tactics of Kofi Annan

February 23, 1998

12) Guest shot on 'Friends.'
11) Hostages for Arms.
10) Kofi & Donuts.
9) Speak softly and bring a lot of hookers.
8) Wink a lot.
7) Avoid words and phrases like "pockmarked" and "camel jockey."
6) Compliment the dictator on his resemblance to a young Burt Reynolds.
5) Chocolate and American Nylons.
4) U.S. members of U.N. inspection team to be selected from cast of Baywatch.
3) Ignore decaying human remains in the dictaors mustache no matter how bad they smell.
2) The Rules: Be demur or even coy, dictators like to think of themselves as the pursuer.
1) Monica Lewinsky added to U.N. inspection team with special instructions to search Saddam's pants.

Top 11 Reasons to Deploy Anthrax in Las Vegas

February 20, 1998

11) All bets are off on the men's hockey team
10) They don't take american express
9) Cheap rooms at the Luxor finally available
8) Siegfreid & Roy will be among the first to go
7) Lack of public transportation limits efficacy of Sarin gas
6) It's the all-natural biological weapon of mass destruction
5) Elvis will finally die
4) Really impresses white supremacist hookers
3) Bubonic plaque microbe is so '80s
2) Feds hip to fuel oil fertalizer thing
1) No line for Wayne Newton!

Top 12 Iraqian Gourmet Dishes

February 19, 1998

12) Kurds & Whey
11) Missile Souffle
10) Desert Dessert
9) Corpse Custard
8) Muslim Meatloaf
7) Civilian Casserole
6) Nerve-Gas Nachos
5) Skud Surprise
4) Strychnine a la king
3) UN Inspector Flambee
2) Sadamm Tartar
1) Anthrax Bisque

Top 12 Excuses Offered by the So-Called U.S. Men's Hockey "Dream Team."

February 18, 1998

12) Tonya Harding's bodyguard "met" with some of the boys in the locker room.
11) Up too late watching CBS tape delay of Ice Dancing compulsory round.
10) Letterman's mom got a little too friendly with the U.S. goalie the night before the game against the Czech Republic.
9) Tara Lipinsky is a bully about ice-time
8) Star forward unable to play fearing identification as Monica's London lover
7) Microsoft sponsored skates are slow and cause frequent crashes
6) Felt sorry for figure skater Todd Eldridge and put him in goal
5) Team U.S.A.'s leading scorer, Phil Lewinsky, seemed oddly distracted.
4) The women's team got all the good Stanizol and Human Growth Hormone.
3) Japanese beer comes in 22.5 ounce cans.
2) Bookies offer 100-1 odds on Czech victory.
1) "The ice was slippery!"

Top 12 signs that your gym teacher is nuts:

February 17, 1998 12) Four horses drown in waterpolo unit
11) His innovative games include "dodge-brick."
10) He vows to put the "gym" back in gymnasium.
9) He wears practice greys with blue eyeshadow.
8) He repeatedly takes you aside to ask if his sweats make him look "hippy."
7)He insists that if you can't climb the rope, you must climb him.
6) He encourages checking in during square dance unit.
5) She's known in the faculty lounge as Mr. Rodman.
4) On first day of class, he tells students to get identical Nikes in preparation for Comet's arrival.
3) Boasts of having taught Tyson everything he knows.
2)Friday is smoking Day!
1) Three words: "Shorts versus skins."

Top 10 things that would be different if a dog were president:

February 16, 1998

10) When the president drinks from the toilet, everybody drinks.
9) First Lady would be a real bitch (okay, not so different.)
8) Kissing the asses of prospective contributers replaced by more hygenic practice of simply sniffing.
7) If you throw-up on the Japanese Prime Minister, you can just lick it up yourself.
6) Re-election campaign slogan: "28 More Years-28 More Years.
5) Secret Service budget spirals out of control as President insists on riding with his head out the window of the limosine.
4) 1.1% adjustment in living index accounts for $680 billion savings, a large part of a painless plan that balances the federal budget and eliminates the federal deficit by the year 2000.
3) When the president begins barking at empty space, the affect is less chilling.
2) New love blossoms as dog President reaches out to Speafer Gingrich...er, at least to his leg.
1) "I can lick MYSELF" defense undermines Lewinsky allegations.

Top New Movies about the Lewinsky Story

February 13, 1998

10) Starr Wars.
9) TopChief Never Dies.
8) Slapslut.
7) As Good As He Gets.
6) Louse Hunt.
5) Bad Will Hunting.
4) Liceworld.
3) Wag The Penis.
2) My Bent Friend's Litigation.
1) Blow Force One.

Top 13 reasons Kenneth Starr is gunning for Clinton.

February 12, 1998

13) Too much Starr-bucks.
12) Lewinsky leaked that Starr is hung like a Pall Mall.
11) Starr's unrequited man-love for Clinton has driven him to destroy the object of his affection.
10) Monica refused to be a Starr-f*ck*r.
9) Enjoying the limelight after years in shadow of his brother Ringo.
8) Lewinsky diagrams reveal Clinton 3 times larger than Starr.
7) Dole-Starr '00.
6) "Starr Search" failed to uncover any real talent.
5) Backlash against Kill Kenny phenomena.
4) Cigarette companies laced his payoff envelope with PCP.
3) With Bill out of the way Hillary becomes available and vulnerable.
2) Frightening conservative co-conspirators now refer to him as "Oswald."
1) Jealous of any one in a "felationship" © Dave Counts 1998.

Top 14 values inoculcated by Monica Lewinsky's mother

February 11, 1998

14) When giving the Commander-in-Chief a hummer, a lady keeps her legs crossed.
13) Bow to the greater power.
12) The bigger they are...the less room under the desk.
11) The quality of Perjury is not strained.
10) Good girls don't...testify.
9) In front of every great man there's a great woman.
8) No one likes a "tattle-tail."
7) Wash your hands before every meal and brush after blowing the chief executive.
6) Charity begins in the White House.
5) Do others as you would have them do you.

4) Swallow.

3) Interns should be obscene and not heard.

2) Give a man a blow job and you relieve him for a day, teach him how to masturbate...
1) You are what you eat!

Top 11 New Olympic Events

February 10, 1998

11) Famous Face Pie Fling
10) Carpet Bombing
9) Super G Surplus Spending
8) Supoena Throwing
7) Albright's Assassination Challenge
6) Press Conference Slalom
5) Missile Curling
4) California Home Luge
3) Heterosexual Male Figure Skating
2) Four Woman Billsled
1) Downhill Plea Bargaining


February 9, 1998

11) An answering machine.
10) Presidential 'Ceiling Wax.'
9) Iraq.
8) Free 'Ride' on Air Force One.
7) A bouquet from STD florists.
6) Lifetime pass to the 'Bent Monument.'
5) A box of tissues.
4) Offer to pet 'Buddy.'
3) His Presidency.
2) 'The Secret Service.'
1) Billatio!"

Top 10 Reasons to Bomb Iraq:

February 6, 1998

10) Clinton's sexual frustration must be taken out on someone!
9) Don't want those pricey bombs to get rusty!
8) Taxpayers deserve more for their money.
7) Devil 1, God 0.
6) Clinton -2.
5) If we don't blow the surplus on Iraq, we'll certainly blow it on court costs.
4) Population control isn't such a bad thing.
3) More empty threats from Boris!
2) Cool war songs from 'Nam revisted.
1) Saddam's one ugly S.O.B.!

Top 11 Empty Threats Made by Russia:

February 5, 1998

11) We've cloaned Yakov Smirnov and we're not afraid to use them.
10) Immediate suspension of mail order Russian bride services.
9) Disconnection of 1-900-RED-BABE
8) We'll drop Boris Yeltsin on New York City.
7) We'll build another Mir!
6) A caviar embargo will test the resolve of the american people.
5) War and Peace: Book II
4) No more funny pizza hut commercials with Gorbachev.
3) We'll establish new missel bases in Poland, no....Czechoslavakia, no....
2) We'll stop checking IDs at Aeroflot duty-free shops
1)All US flights to Moscow have a 38 hour layover in Chernobyl.

Top 10 Reasons we executed Karla Faye Tucker

February 4, 1998

10) She's from Texas
9) Tucker rhymes with F----r.
8)Living women are over-rated anyway.
7)Devil 1, God 0.
6)We're way overdue to bring back cool civil war traditions.
5)Pat Robertson needs to hear 'NO' from God once in a while.
4)One christian life cannot derail the George W. Bush campaign juggernaut.
3)Don't think of it as murder, think of it as a 149th trimester abortion.
2)Texas cattlemen were afraid to kill the other 'mad cow.'
1) We had to take her out before Clinton got to her.

Top 10 Songs from the Wizard of Oz Joke About Clinton

February 3, 1998

10)"Ding-Dong, the bitch gives head...
9) "We're off to see the lizard, the bent little lizard of Trow."
8) "Liars & perjurers who swear, oh my!"
7) "If I only had an alibi."
6) "If I only were a hermaphrodite."
5) "If Hillary were only Pamela Lee."
4) "Internland" (Munchkinland) "Come out, come out whereever you are, and meet the young lady who would be a star. She came from L.A., she fell very far, and Kenneth she says, is the name of her starr."
3) Ha - ha -ha, Ho - ho -ho - And a couple of in-tern-turns. That's how we screw the day away, In the land below the beltway!"
2) "We represent the hypocrite guild, the hyprocrite guild..."
1) "Somewhere, under the desk..."