2000 Top 11

Top 11 reasons Bush named Time Magazine's man of the Year

December 18, 2000

11) The CIA said so.
10) He bought 100,000 subscriptions in the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
9) Editor's making up for overlooking Barbara Bush as Man of the Year.
8) Doug Flutie turned it down.
7) Just another example of the liberal media conspiracy.
6) They confused him with his father, too.
5) Dick Cheney's photograph scares children.
4) Confusing ballots split vote between Al Gore and Pokemon.
3) Newsweek double-dog-dared them.
2) Four Words: Contributing Editor Antonin Scalia.

1) He was nearly elected President!
Thanks Dave! www.toostupidtobepresident.com

Top 11 Reason Bush Winned the Electionary

December 13, 2000

11)The CIA doesn't own Gore
10) One word: "Charismability"
9) At least four Justices can't bear to watch Scalia cry
8) We have two great facinations, "sex" and "death." Clinton offered the former, Bush the latter, Gore neither.
7) Bush was the highest bidder
6) Bra-less GOP convention appearance by Bush twins trumped the Gore "kiss"
5) As strict constitutionalist, the high court majority determined that all slave and 3/5 of indian votes had to be thrown out
4) Hillary couldn't wait 'til twenty-o-eight!
3) Networks exit-poll, police entrance-poll
2) 15% of voters felt that because he won the Gulf War, he deserved a second chance
1) Trick topic, he didn't really win the election

Top 11 Reasons Why Governor Bush Won The Election

December 13, 2000

11) Governor Pussy didn't run
10) Americans don't trust leaders who can use words with more than one syllable
9) James A. Baker soundly defeated Warren Christopher in Battle Bots
8) Contrary to her own sense of self-importance, Karenna Gore is not, after all, Governor of Florida
7) Much to our surprise, Tennesseans love 2LiveCrew & Marilyn Manson, and don't advocate Parental Advisories on Music -- Thanks Tip!
6) Saturday Night Live's ratings need a jumpstart
5) Clarence Thomas is still thirsting for vengence against the Anita Hill party
4) When dealing with foreign policy, we prefer our President to look like a deer in headlights
3) Katherine Harris never had an orgasm until she met Jeb
2) Running the world's most powerful country is exactly like watching a hockey game
1) He carries the name of a bad president and a bad beer

Top 11 Observations from the 1st 2000 Presidential Debate

October 4, 2000

11) Monica wouldn't look twice at either of these guys
10) That Dark Angel is like really pretty
9) RU-487 is not a highway in Tennesee
8) Gore has already had 8 years to save the friggin' owls
7) Giving the budget surplus to the wealthy (yourself) is not a crime
6) Fuel problems can be easily solved by converting Alaska into one giant gas pump
5) The Judicial Pubic test has been replaced by the inscrutable Judicial Litmus test
4) Gore we saw at the debate was actually a beta model from Disney's Hall of Vice Presidents
3) Social Security is as about as stable as Dubya during the coke years
2) Contrary to popular opinion, capital punishment is not a prescription drug plan
1) It wouldn't be sporting to attack Bush's Fuzzy English

Top 11 Signs You're Too Old to Watch the MTV VMAs

September 8, 2000

11) You know Jennifer Lopez from a George Clooney movie
10) You find Moby's family history more interesting than his music
9) You were psyched to see Steven Tyler
8) You wish Kurt Loder had more airtime
7) Found crowd-cheering during Bono's ad-lib distracting and rude
6) Saw Venus & Serena and upped your e-bay bid for us open tickets
5) You only just realized whoever performs, wins
4) You've never actually met anyone who wears a thong
3) You're certain rap & hip hop are the same thing
2) The sight of Christina Aguilera doesn't give you an instant stiffy
1) You were confused by Eminem's white candy coating

Top 11 Reasons Anne & Ellen Split

August 21, 2000

11) Anne couldn't get Ellen to stop talking about "F*cking ABC"
10) Sick of fighting over who will sleep with David Crosby
9) 3 months of Ellen doing stand-up; this ones a no-brainer
8) Anne needs to date the most powerful Hollywood lesbian, Vance Degeneres
7) Tired of all those unfunny pitcher-catcher jokes
6) Anne mistakenly thought Ellen was a pre-op
5) Ellen's decided Steve Martin might be able to get her a job
4) Anne can't get over her crush on Sharon Stone
3) Turns out Ellen isn't "The Perfect Guy"
2) Ellen refused to get her tongue pierced
1) Anne can't seem to find her way home

Top 11 Things Security Confiscated from David Spade at Brad & Jen's Wedding

August 1, 2000

11) Some really, really good Spanish Fly
10) One 8x10 of David Schwimmer
9) One Sharpie
8) 3x5 card of Come-on lines for Gywneth Paltrow
7) Shoe lifts
6) Da Ladies Man Guide to Good Lovin' (paperback edition)
5) Autograph book
4) Mickey Mouse Club cell phone
3) "Pocket Pal" personal mini-massager/1 AAA battery
2) Dungeon Master dice set
1) Business Cards for "Mr Spade's Little House of Love"

Top 11 Reasons to Leave Napster Alone

July 27, 2000

11) Free Sisqo!
10) I'll give you my incredibly valuable promo copy of Metallica's MI II song
9) Lars.sucks.com
8) Copyright, schmopyright
7) If it can reduce N'SYNC marketing dollars, it's got to be a good thing
6) We always take Courtney's side
5) Napster sound quality on par with "Great Hits from Croatia"
4) Geeks Rule! Shut down Napster and we shut down Visa. Be warned!
3) Did I mention Lars sucking?
2) Next they'll stop OJ.com from swapping murders
1) Where else can I find the "Uncle F**cka" remix?

Top 11 Reasons to Kick Someone Off The Island

June 8, 2000

11) Wont shut up about shagging Ginger
10) Keeps asking, "Is that your final answer?"
9) Won't tell where the still is
8) Fond of saying, "You're outta here faster than Puck"
7) Because I wasn't invited to go berry-picking
6) Old genitalia is not pretty genitalia
5) Can't make a banana creme pie like Marianne
4) Refuses to accept sanctity of tribal circle with the Rock-n-Roll Jeopardy guy hosting
3) Prone to paddling around the lagoon yelling, "Save me! Save me! I'm just a poor Cuban boy"
2) Thinks pointing at the sky and yelling "Da Plane, Da Plane" is funny
1) Always asking if the "tribe" can build a casino

Top 11 Things to Do with Our Clinton Media Contact List

May 18, 2000

11) Post it without wussing out like Drudge
10) Mail merge the blackmail demands
9) Give it to Darva for easier husband-hunting
8) Send out a 'confidential' salary survey
7) Send all msnbc contacts cnn job listings
6) Register each and every one of them at pinkcookie.com
5) Let Jeanie Williams know Cindy Adams has been badmouthing her at parties
4) Alter list demographics by fabricating additional Telemundo addresses
3) Make sure it's in the capable hands of John Stewart
2) Tell Turner Murdoch arranged to have him removed
1) Find out why none of these people wished Mike a Happy Birthday

Top 11 Things We'll Miss About Cardinal O'Conner

May 8, 2000

11) The seasonal ranting about that imposter Santy Claus
10) His skill at hazing choir boys
9) Those fabulous Anti-gay jokes he used to open each Bingo session
8) His essential americanism, exhibited by urging catholics and non-catholics alike to refrain from playing baseball on Good Friday
7) Those handy sabotage techniques he learned during 27 years in the military
6) Ferocious attacks against women, especially potential Vice Presidents who support abortion
5) That unwavering conviction that Catholics hold dominion over who participates in Irish parades
4) His threats to excummunicate Cuomo, who would've only pretended to care, demonstrates his committment to useless diatribes
3) He was willing to wear a yamulke, despite hating jews quite passionately 2) That great Jesus impression
1) The kooky assertion that bulk Paul Masson is actually the blood of Christ

DMX was on his way to an upstate New York jail Wednesday (May 3) after turning himself in to Cheektowaga, N.Y., police on an outstanding arrest warrant for a skipped court date. The situation became more complicated, though, as Cheektowaga police found marijuana on the rapper, a police spokesperson said.

Top 11 Reasons DMX is Bumming Doing Time in Cheektowaga (Outside Buffalo)

May 4, 1999

11) The prison secretions and steel plant fumes make the place smell like Chernobyl
10) There's nobody to impress except Polish DWIs
9) Daily Dialogue, "We almost won the Superbowl 5 times" over and over and over again
8) They won't let the man smoke his medicine
7) Nobody in Buffalo's impressed by the ability to consume 100 hot wings in one sitting
6) People got no idea what the fuck Ruff Riders/ Cash Money means
5) Whitney ain't doing no time!
4) 24 hour Jeff Foxworthy marathons
3) People keep calling him Earl
2) His cellmate brags about going to boyscouts with Timothy McVeigh
1) Even Jim Kelly can't get him out

Top 11 Reasons Commercial Actors Are Striking

May 1, 2000

11) "I'm not a Dr, but I play one on TV and I should really be paid like one for this cheesy ad."
10) Just because you don't hear the Energizer bunny complaining, doesn't mean the work don't suck
9) No one wants to humiliate themselves like the 1-800-CALL-ATT-GUY unless it's gonna PAY
8) "Because pets can't drive" means they need to hire chauffers
7) Paves the way for the WASSSSUP boys' academy award boycott
6) GAP commercials have become downright embarrassing
5) Because all those Sonicnet people can think about is me, me, me.
4) They're disgruntled because they can't get REAL acting jobs
3) Contract revisions are the only chance for Joannie & Chacchi to get out of debt
2) A diamond is forever but you don't get paid past Wednesday
1) If the Friends can get a mill per episode, why shouldn't the douche girl?

Top 11 Reasons Oprah's employees have to sign a LIFELONG confidentiality agreement

April 20, 2000

11) She eats doughnuts like a cop on break
10) Doesn't want Stedman to know she's thinking of joining Ellen's club
9) Book club gossip can be terribly catty
8) Can you say "Control Freak?"
7) Hates to see Tom and Nicole one-up her
6) Must keep secret her pre-show routine involves a small Larry King doll and some hat pins
5) Harpo = Marxism
4) Leeza's always sticking her face where it doesn't belong
3) Her magazine sucks
2) "Free speech not only lives, it rocks" (unless you work for me)
1) It would be embarrassing for her if people learned she actually does shit money

Top 11 Crimes Committed by Patrick Kennedy

April 13, 2000

11) Tears the label off his mattress
10) He refuses to use him blinker consistently
9) Swims in the family pool only moments after eating a saugie
8) Uses a flash to have his picture taken in front of important monuments
7) Eats medication on an empty stomach
6) Unable to follow instructions on shampoo bottle; he refuses to Rinse and Repeat
5) Will not use protective eye wear when using a power saw
4) Likes to play in an old abandoned refrigerators
3) Can't return the toilet seat to the "down" position when he's done
2) Won't wear steel toed boots when using the lawn mower
1) Tends to push overzealous Enquirer readers out of his way when late for his plane

Top 11 Reasons to Send Elian Home

April 7, 2000

11) South Beach is cash-poor since tourists started detouring to Little Havana
10) We've got to get him out before Mia Farrow insists on adopting him
9) We have a responsibility to eliminate every opportunity for Gloria Estefan to appear on TV
8) Juan Miguel Gonzalez has the right to spank the shit out of that deserting little ingrate
7) Larry King should spend time on more important things, like a Lorena Bobbitt update
6) Arrest of protestors should free up traffic on the strip
5) He killed his Mother
4) Exposing Communists to Disney is just plain mean
3) All this bullshit is adversly affecting my tech stocks
2) Three words: Elian Missle Crisis
1) He has yet to prove himself as pitcher

Top 11 New Tom Green Nicknames

March 23, 2000

11) Nutless Wonder
10) Lefty
9) Cancer boy
8) Drew's Diet Tom - only half the calories
7) UniTom
6) Tom Tom the piper's son, lost a nut, still great fun!
5) Chief Tendergroin
4) Pepsi 1
3) Exclamation point
2) The Chemo Kid
1) Tom Who?

Top 11 Reasons Madonna Decided to have Another Child March 21, 2000

11) Still trying to replace JonBenet
10) She wants to increase her breast size
9) Lourdes is getting big and big is not cute
8) She not going to wait forever for Tom Green to notice her
7) Can't seem to figure out that whole condom thing
6) The press have been neglecting her lately
5) She's better at breeding than singing
4) It makes the Pope so uptight
3) Her english accent improves when she's increasing
2) You can get good money for a celebrity kid on ebay
1) It was too easy to destroy American Pie, now she wants a real challenge

Top 11 Reasons to Vote for Alan Keyes on Super Tuesday

March 7, Super Tuesday 2000

11) He doesn't think Bill Gates should pay income taxes
10) He calls himself "ambassador"
9) Believes in the Religious freedom of all catholics to be catholics
8) He'll take the public out of public education
7) He appeals to Forbes supporters
6) List of accomplishments includes Former Vice President of Ronald Reagan Alumni Association
5) He taught his 5 year-old about abortion
4) He won a poll on Yahoo.com in early February
3) Moshed to Rage but won't free Mumia
2) No one cared when he spoke at Bob Jones University
1) That frightening resemblance to 80's BET video host Donnie Simpson

Top 11 Reasons Kathy Lee Quit

Leap Day 2000

11) She's been called back to the home planet
10) She's so jealous of Regis, she'll try anything to get her name in the paper
9) The hatemail has just become too overwelming
8) Plans to dedicate herself to preparing for the Charlie's Angels sequel audition
7) She thinks she can give Hillary a run for her money
6) She's hoping to get a recording contract and make friends with Madonna
5) Tired of not getting the respect Oprah does
4) She must hid her secret, sinful lust for Howard Stern
3) Needs to spend more time convincing Cody he can't be gay
2) She wants to keep a closer eye on the investigators who follow Frank
1) Bitchy is as bitchy does

Top 11 Reasons to Get Married on Fox

11) Closest you'll ever get to an x-files cameo
10) 22 million potential wedding gifts
9) Two Words: Trophy Wife
8) Millions of witnesses
7) Two More Words: Free Divorce
6) Better than losing virginity on HBO's Real Sex
5) Fox prenup guarantees spouse is VD-free
4) You don't have to send out invitations, your friends can check the TV listings
3) Increase opportunity to revitalize fledgling porn career
2) Meet important stars like Jay Thomas
1) You might be able to finally find that stingy, psychotic, bastard you've been looking for

Top 11 Reasons NOT to get Married on Fox

11) The groom is Rick Rockwell
10) No residuals! Even Fox is too embarrassed to re-broadcast
9) The Regis & Kathie Lee Show has like way more integrity
8) Guest Vocalist Vonda Shepard
7) Officiating Judge Bart Simpson
6) Scully alters bridemaid dress to show more cleavage
5) Pizza stone from Rupert Murdock seems kind of cheap for a multibillionaire
4) Gown designed by costumer from that 70s show
3) Lord will not recognize unions on Satan's network
2) Reception will be catered by Calista Flockhart
1) World's Skankiest Honeymoon Videos - Next on Fox

Top 11 Reasons to elect Tom Green for President

February 9, 2000

11) We want to see him squirt milk on the Supreme Court
10) Only Tom has the keys to the 'slut mobile'
9) Fabio likes him
8) He can go out drinking all night and still get Glenn on a trampoline by 7:15am
7) He is the original "Scuba Hood"
6) "The Bum Bum Song" sounds a lot like "Hail to the Chief" if you listen closely
5) Tom can swim with sharks, but he knows when its best to keep his feet in the boat.
4) It would make up for all the mean shit he's pulled on his folks
3) He already has a Pepsi endorsement, what are we waiting for?
2) Canadiansdont take no shit from the UN
1) His original economic ideas, like "Undercutters Pizza" could revolutionize commerce as we know it

Top 11 Reasons Hillary's Never Cheated on Bill

January 20, 2000

11) She's a born-again virgin
10) Stephanopolous refused
9) Affairs with women don't count as cheating
8) She has access to the secret service
7) Those unsightly genital sores
6) Vince killed himself
5) She won't even let the gynecologist touch her there
4) Affairs with gerbils don't count as cheating
3) She still foolishly believes cheating adversely affects one's political aspirations
2) Wouldn't want anyone to know she calls out Chelsea during orgasm
1) Ain't nobody better than Billy-Boy, Baby!

Top 11 Reasons Whitney Houston Had 15 Grams of Pot in her Bag

January 17, 2000

11) Why, a friend said just the other day - Celebrities are above the law
10) Wants the kind of 'good' press Courtney's been getting
9) You can't get that maui wowie shit in jersey
8) Smoking's great for the voice
7) A feeble attempt by Bobby to get rid of her for a while
6) It was really Lauryn Hill's bag
5) Treatment for Self-diagnosed Glaucoma
4) Thought she needed it to be on the new Bob Marley Tribute album
3) It's just a harmless herb!
2) Was hoping to bribe Cypress Hill to remix her new song
1) Clearly, she smokes like a fiend!

Top 11 Things to do with your Y2K Supplies

January 4, 2000

11) TP the neighborhood
10) Display your patriotism...Want Not? Waste Lots
9) Convert bunker into suburban strip club
8) Stop conserving soap and take a shower
7) Deliver surplus condoms to local elementary school
6) Feature ragu products in all your recipes
5) Accidently leave extra candles burning and get the home upgrade your uzi would have guaranteed
4) Sell your ammo to students interested in learning about firearms
3) Fill pillowcase with extra batteries; very effective on mouthy wives
2) Extra Water + Ramon Noodles = shot at World's biggest bowl of soup record
1) Let the sheep go

Satan's Top 11 Last Minute Christmas Errands

December 22, 1999

11) Prepare gift of US Presidency for Mr. Trump
10) Get field report on troop preparations for armageddon
9) Procure prostitute for the loyal Ebenezer; muzzle ghost of christmas past
8) Mock up photo of Frank Gifford in compromising position with Howard Stern
7) Buy favors for 3rd annual JonBenet toga party
6) Kill something good to eat, like Pat Robinson
5) Exert more influence on Heat Miser to prevent white christmas
4) Reward Courtney's hard work with another rich suicidal husband
3) Distribute HIV-infected 'wine' to homophobic churches
2) Locate and impregnate virgin
1) Clean last year's lap dance off Santa costume

1999 Top 11 Lists

1998 Top 11 Lists